As M. Scott Peck told us all those years ago, "Life is hard."
My life, of course, is very hard. Probably much harder than yours. I say this with assurance because it is my lot to carry a very heavy burden. You see, deep in my soul is the knowledge that I was put here on this earth with one purpose, yet because of cruel happenstance, I will never be able to achieve that great cosmic purpose.
Of course, I'm speaking of whipping Vin Diesel.
And it gets worse! For, of course, Vin Diesel--and I'm pretty sure about this--was put on this earth to be whipped by me.
Although he might give you an argument about that. He's pretty cathected (another M. Scott Peck-ism!) about his acting career.
But perhaps, life--or my life anyway--doesn't have to be all that hard. Perhaps Vin and I will be able to achieve our linked teleologies.
You see, I have an idea.
Now, you know I love love love Reality Television, right? And it's gotten to the point that it doesn't really matter what the hell the structure of the game is or who the players are. Do I care that Scott Baio is 45 and single? Not a wit. But if the cameras are rolling, I'll tune in and watch!
So my idea.
The aspect of SM that I favor has come to be called, in some enlightened circles, "ordeal oriented." That is to say, it's structured in a mytho-poetic way around some ordeal. The Top puts the bottom through a trial of sorts, and the bottom emerges at the end with a newfound sense of his own strength, power, and courage.
Now, couple that with Reality TV and not only do you have the makings of a great show, but I'd be able to fulfill my lifelong dream and whip Vin Diesel!
Here's how it would work...
The working title could be something like, well, "Ordeal." Or, if you really wanted to be outré about what's going down, "Safeword."
Every week, you'd assemble four contestants. They'd be average americans, soccer moms and NASCAR dads. But each of them would be selected because there's something that they want really really really bad ("a vintage Harley-Davidson police bike!" "for my kids to get into a really good private school!" "to open my own restaurant!" "a new kidney!"). And to get a shot at getting this thing they want, they'd be willing to undergo an ordeal of some sort.
Assembled for the show would be a group of SM practitioners whom we could call, "The Legion of Doom." The Legion of Doom would comprise various Tops, each with a distinct approach to SM. Sort of like the stable of masters they have on "Iron Chef," right? So they'd each have a little back story and larger-than-life personalities that viewers would get to know bit by bit as the show progresses.
One by one, each of the four contestants would get to go before the Legion of Doom and plead their case in what we could call the Star Chamber. "I would really love to have a little hunting cabin out in the woods somewhere. I could go there with my wife and kids on weekends and spend time doing what I really love to do, bow-hunting. I just feel that no matter what is going on in my life, if I just had that little place in the woods to call my own, I'd be a happy man."
The contestant would then leave, and the Legion of Doom would confer. They'd bring the contestant back and present him with the Ordeal: "We are prepared to offer you what you seek. But first, you must submit yourself to the ordeal we propose."
And it could be, y'know, your garden variety SM scene. Endurance bondage, a fire scene, being suspended by fishline strung through acupuncture needles piercing his body in two rows from his clavicals to his ankles, getting punched in the face, some humiliation scene... Y'know, the usual fare.
Or, of course, getting whipped.
Throughout the ordeal, the contestant could end it at any time just by giving up the safeword. But if he came through, then he'd get his little cabin in the woods.
Can't you just imagine the drama involved? Those one-on-one interviews that they do throughout? The other contestants would be able to cheer on and offer encouragement to the contestant going through the ordeal, but also get a glimpse of what they themselves might be in for when their time came in the Star Chamber.
Wouldn't that be a great show?
Okay. Now let's not lose track of what's important here: me and my needs.
I, of course, would be a member of the Legion of Doom, the one they call "The Whipsman." (With all due modesty, I think I have the makings of a Fan Favorite!) And for the premier show of the second season, there would be a very special Celebrity Edition. And among the celebrity contestants would be none other than Vin Diesel.
Now you see my brilliant evil plan?
So not only would I get to whip Vin Diesel, I'd get to do it on national television! And I love an audience!
So I think I smell an Emmy!
Now, nice guy that I am, if anyone out there reading this would like to take this idea and run with it and make millions and millions of dollars, I say, "Go for it!"
But just do me one small favor: when you cast the membership of the Legion of Doom, make sure you keep me in mind. And after the show is a big hit and you're looking forward to the season premier for the second run, have your people get in touch with Vin Diesel's people and get him on board.
I'll be here.