Mean

Okay okay okay. So I've been back from Inferno XXX! since Thursday and I haven't written. Been busy, y'know. Baron von Philadelphia was watching my apartment and my dog while I was away, so I had to spend some time with him. Specifically, we went down to Soho, where I did my best to reinvigorate our flagging economy by buying lots of chic clothes for my new job. And after two weeks of missing the Special Guy, I spent Thursday night with him. So wonderful to just hang out with him.

Oh. And my softball team did really well in the tournement we played in in Montreal. We got a bronze medal. As in, each of us got a bronze medal. As in, I now have a bronze medalion on a red ribbon earned from playing softball. As in, I haven't taken it off since I picked it up on Saturday night. Sheeee it. And it was a blast. In the games that counted that we played on Sunday (before I had to hit the road), I outran the ball and slid into home (after doing that thing that small animals do on the freeway before being flattened by an 18-wheeler, sort of scurrying back and forth between third and home plate). And, I hit the ball better than I have ever in my life. "Line drive right up the middle." All about creative visualization.

Past President (of GMSMA) was my traveling companion. Past President was the ideal traveling companion. He's an excellent navigator, and he doesn't drive. So there was no criticism (that he gave voice to anyway). And he was endlessly tolerant. No complaints about my musical selections. I was unable to pass a highway rest stop that offered Starbucks coffee... Not a problem.

After a drive that flew by, Past President and I arrived at The Site. Now, it seems to be A Thing that Inferno is not discussed outside of Inferno. And that's pretty cool. Perpetuating the mystique that surrounds the place. So, gotta be vague. I met some wonderful guys, including a Radical Faerie from a sanctuary in Tennessee, a guy who Does Mean Well from San Diego, and Siddharta Sadist from Denver. And, I got to know several guys I knew from New York and my friend the Gloved One from St. Louis so much better.

Scenes? There were scenes. Amazing scenes. Like watching Opera. And I did alright, too, on a more humble scale. I had the profound and moving experience of delivering floggings to two wonderful men, one of whom, Does Mean Well, returned the favor. I (briefly) single tailed a guy, fulfilling his fantasy. Literally. Gloved One electrocuted me. (There's probably a better way to put that.) Does Mean Well also gave me a massage, something that was absolutely a first for me. Siddharta Sa followed up with another massage that had an altogether hypnotic quality. I did a shaving scene with a guy I adore from NYC.

Beyond the scenes, there were a few other notable experiences. There was a Noted Author among us. A few, actually. But one Noted Author in particular provided me with quite an experience. I was there for set up, so I arrived at The Site a few days before the deluge of Infernals. After the big arrival, I noticed this guy noticing me. Intently. A lot. Which was cool. Until I learned who he was. After that, i went into celebrity mode. You'd think that living in New York for the past decade, where I'm climbing over them, I'd become hardened. But no, I eat at a restaurant owned by Al Lewis (aka Granpa Munster) and I'm just awed into silence. So one morning I'm headed out to get into some practice with my newly acquired whip. I come around the corner, trimming the lower brances of a willow tree with some well targeted cracks, and there's Noted Author, sitting alone, watching me as usual. For once in my life, I came up with something clever to say in the moment as opposwed to the next morning in the shower. "I wish I was as good at whipping backs as I am at whipping shrubery," sez I.

He laughed. A conversation ensued. (!) At one point he lowered the boom. "I've been observing you. I have to say that you bring a great spirit and energy to this gathering."

Yo.

So what's it all mean? Here's something I didn't expect. There was so much love there. It was everywhere. And here's what I took away from the experience: I will live my life for love. Nothing else. it's not about power or money (it never really was with me) or recognition (it always kinda was with me). It's all about love. Giving love. Bringing love into the world. Love is the priority.

And something I never, ever have done before: I let go. I surrendered. When having sex (in all it's wonderful variations), my concern is always on the pleasure of my partner. Getting a massage from Does Mean Well, getting a massage from Siddharta Sadist, getting flogged by Does Mean Well. I just let go. I submitted. It was sublime.

I feel much more me when I'm in charge, orchestrating, administering, giving, doing, bringing about. But I can be yin as well as yang.

And I can be mean. Does Mean Well and I co-topped in a scene. He did mean well. Getting all growley and nasty. But I was my loving sensuous self. Does Mean Well was sort of giving me signals (the bottom was blindfolded, natch) along the lines of 'No no no no no!'

So on the final night, I was invited to jump into an interrogation scene. And I made it happen. I found Mean. And Mean was great. Mean felt wonderful. I can be mean as I need to be.

Love. Mean. Inferno.