Free

I believe it was several weeks ago that I wrote about Hungry Ghosts here. In Buddhist thought, Hungry Ghost describes a phenomenon we all know very well: I want that. That thing. That place. That car. That person. That shirt. That bullwhip. That body.

Here's what The Master has to say about that: if you give into the hungry ghost, no matter how small, innocent, and playful the ghost may appear to be, then other hungry ghosts will come. And they'll want to be fed too. Soon, you will be swarmed by them. I want! I want! I want! The more you give in a feed the hungry ghosts, the more will come. Finally, you yourself will be consumed.

Dang! Isn't that beautiful?

(I was introduced to this concept in a posting responding to mine on a website for gay men who eroticize bareback sex. Go figure. There's a lot of love out there.)

So anyway, over the past several weeks, I've been noticing hungry ghosts. And there have been plenty of them. Horseback riding lessons. Rock climbing lessons at my local rock gym. Jump boots. Clothes, always. An amazing bullwhip. A trip for the first anniversary of my 40th birthday.

In the past, I'd set to thinking. How much do I have available on my credit cards? What if I work a lot of overtime? How could I get it? How can I feed thhe hungry ghost. But more often than not, I just notice the ghost. Hear what he has to say. Let my mind wander over the possibilities of feeding him.

And then I just forget about it.

I've pared down my needs and wants considerably.

And since I got back from Inferno... well, it seems that all I need is oxygen. I've felt so complete. So content. So healed.

And into my life came this gift.

A big check.

It's from some grantwriting work I did way back when. I did the work, submitted my bill, and waited. And waited. And waited and waited. And waited and waited and waited.

I didn't call to ask--little less demand--payment. I've been on the other end. Consultants who dun for payment are consultants I don't use again. Not because it's bad behavior, just because it's sooooo embarrassing.

Truthfully, I forgot all about it.

And then I got an envelope in the mail, and inside the envelope was a check. A big one, like I said.

Yee ha! Right? I mean, let's treat yourself to a nice dinner! Let's stock up on Kiehl's products! Let's check on airfares to Palm Springs!

Nope.

I took it and I paid off all of my debts. Everything. All the credit cards. My car insurance. Everything.

At this point, I don't owe anyone anywhere anything. Not one thin dime. No one has any hooks into me.

I think this is the first time in my life since I was eightteen years old that's been the case.

And mostly, this was sort of cleaning up after the ten year long party that I've been throwing for hungry ghosts.

But no more. The party's over.

And they seem to have stopped coming around. When one does show up, he hems and haws. Finally comes out with it. "Wouldn't it be great if you had..."

I smile. I close my eyes.

There's nothing I want.

The sensation of the air moving in and out of my body as I breathe, that's plenty. I'm full with that.

I have my dog. I have my whips. I have my swell little Jeep Liberty. I have my kayak. I have my dad. I have my leathers.

Everything else is dross.

Sweet.

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