I Left My Heart... Oops! Wait! Nope. There It Is. I Put It In With My Dirty Socks.

Back from San Francisco.

The conference was great. So great. Great to see all those people again, from across the country, to be warmly greeted, to have challenging, engaging conversations, to have those moments when I get to be a star. And I learned so much! So much has happened since I've been gone from the field. Did you know that in NYC the syringe exchange programs are now getting funded by the New York City Department of Health??? And ADAPT went under? I mean... Like... Who knew???

And something else went down, too. On my previous trips to SF, the city sort of left me cold. I find the architecture precious and twee, I'm always cold there, and throughout my life, every preachy self-righteous, ultra-PC nut job I've had to deal with has done me the huge favor of getting out of my life and moving to SF, and as a result, I'm nervous about talking to anyone for fear that they're going to sense that I don't recycle and yell at me.

But on this trip, I got it. I see what there is to love about San Francisco.

First off, the weather was breathtakingly gorgeous. Cool nights and sunny warm days. Sure, I could have been hotter, but it didn't feel too bac. After all, this is November, right?

And then there were the rides. Get this! On Saturday morning, there wasn't too much going on at the conference, so I decided to treat myself to some time spent at one of my all time favorite Starbucks, the one at 18th and Castro. And it was cracklin' with sexual tension, as always. So I look at my watch and realize that it's time for me to head to Oakland so I could make the after lunch workshops. I asked where I could find the nearest BART stop, and as directions were offered, this guy said, "So where do you have to go?" I told him Oakland, and he said, "I'll drive you." And he did! All the way to Oakland.

And that kept happening. This guy I was talking to at the Eagle said, "You're getting tired, huh? Still on East Coast time? Let me take you home." And he didn't mean to his home, but to my home. As in, where I was staying. I swear, people were giving me rides all weekend.

Okay, so then there was the whole part about just where I was staying. With Special Guy and his new boyfriend. As in, the guy who's not me.

But that was totally cool.

New Boyfriend is a great guy, and even though I was up early and home late, they made me feel totally welcome.

Not like I didn't spend some time wondering where things went awry with me and Special Guy. Because we really are so good together. And even though he and New Boyfriend seem to have a good thing going on, it wasn't magic. I didn't feel the heat.

(Like the way people used to tell me they felt the heat whenever me and Special Guy were in the room when we were together.)

So... Like... Special Guy rolls differently than I do, y'know? After me, he hooked up with this guy named Bob, who was a boob. And that didn't work. So Special Guy moved to SF and was soon dating some local guy. And then that guy hit him or something, and so Special Guy left him and started up with some new guy, and there were two and three in between then and now with New Boyfriend.

You get what I'm saying?

For me, Special Guy was--and is--the Love Of My Life So Far. But for Special Guy, I was just 'that guy I dated between the Australian and Bob the boob.

There seems to be a certain grace with which Special Guy moves from relationship to relationship to relationship. Definitely a grace I don't have.

So I'm reading this book right now. It's called "Going To Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective On Wholeness," written by Mark Epstein. And I'm liking it. At one point, he discusses the work of a pediatrician named Donald Winnicott. Winnicott came up with the concept of the 'good-enough mother." No mother is perfect, with respect to meeting all the needs of her baby. But that works for the baby, because the baby adapts to the mother's... uh... lapses by making due. And that 'making due' lets the baby move slowly towards autonomy.

Sorry if there's any whiplash incurred on your end trying to follow this.

Let me explain.

As you probably know, I'm all about finding Mr. Perfect. But Special Guy seems more about Good Enough Boyfriend. He doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to be available. And good in bed. (I definitely did get the impression that Special Guy and New Boyfriend have some prettty mind-roasting hell-raising sex.)

So maybe, in imitation of Special Guy, who seems to be having a better go if it than me, I'll be more open. More willing to overlook some flaws.

Good Enough Boyfriend.

Bring it on.

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