Do I contradict myself?
Very well. I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes.

So said Walt Whitman. That quote ran through my head a lot this weekend.

I am a Top. The experience of lashing a man to a cross and working his back with floggers (or, on rarer occasions, a singletail whip) is sublime. I'm high on it for weeks. I'll see a guy in a bar, and something in his manner and demeanor--an openness, a kindness, a certain warmth, and that up-for-anything-sluttiness I find soooo sexy--will just drive me wild. I want to see him gasping, hear him howling in pain, see his tears, feel the stickiness of his blood. I want to clean him up, hold him close while he shudders and rocks, watch that beatific endorphin glow come over him.

I want to feel the weight of a collar around my nec, the collar put there by my Master. I want too find a strong, wise man, who will, over itime, open me like a flower, who will deduce from me deeper and deeper submission. His pleasure will be my pleasure. As I'm unable too penetrate the suffocating curtains oof self-doubt, indirection, and an all but total lack of self-discipline, I'll give up trying, and turn it over to Sir.

(Flower? Curtains? There must be butcher metaphors available. Try this. Instead of 'open like a flower,' put 'penetrate phalanx after phalanx of my defensive forces,' and instead of smothering curtains, use 'the demons with which I wrestle.')

And there are innumerable variations on these themes. Mutually exclusive? Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not to me. Interesting. Giving up my back to ARt made me a better whipping Top. Maybe spending some time learning to be a bottom would be similarly beneficial.

Yo. Wait a minute. Shurrrlee you've learned a lesson or two about prescription relationships. Each relationship is unique, and the dynamics spring whole from the two (or more) people involved. It doesn't work to do a sort of pencil sketch of the person and then wander out into the world looking for someone who fits that description. That's what made my relationship with my Ex not work, and that's what made Special Guy special. In the latter case, it was all organic.

But will see how it goes. I think the big challenge would be in finding a man willing to take me on. And, finding a man that I could honor honestly with my submission. No rose colored glasses. So we'll see.