More back and forth with the guy I worked with 12 years ago at Ernst & Young. (We'll call him Nick.) He's sending me instant messages saying all the right things. Back then, he was a hunka-hunka-burnin' love. So I'm looking forward to it. Oh. Back then he also struck me as being unsufferably conceited. But y'know, I've grown to sort of like insufferably conceited. It has an allure all its own. I wonder if the lightbulb will go off when he sees me on Friday. I swear, I would like pine for him, sitting there in his LL Bean flannel shirt, ragwool sweater and docksiders, (this was 1990, yunnerstan) typing away. He describes himself as being 'gym worked bear.' Bear could mean he has a gut... Which I love, although he might not.

Now that's interesting. There was a guy I lusted after when I lived in Philadelphia. He was just amazing looking. One night at Woody's, a friend of his pointed me out to him, referencing my obvious desire. He laughed sardonically and said, "That skinny kid? No thanks." (I'm five feet away, hearing every word.) At the time, the guy was... I would say... about 50. So now he'd be 63. Every time I'm in a gay bar in Philadelphia, I'm looking out for him. In my fantasy, I walk up to him and say, "So what's shakin'? Does the AARP give you a discount on the door price? I thought guys your age went to Uncle's." Of course, I won't be realizing that fantasy. For one thing, I couldn't pull it off convincingly since I've known more than a few damn hot men 63 and older and I'd probably still be drooling over him and not be alone in that. And for another, I don't do mean well, as we know. And, what a crappy thing to say to anyone. What would probably happen is I'd make a play for him, and if successful, have a post-coital exchange where I'd recount that episode. His "No way? I did? What was I thinking?" would be all I needed to make things right.

I wonder how much of that is in play with my Friday night date with Nick? An exorcism of the ghost of my former insecure, dorky self. A lot, probably. Now that I'm running with the big dogs, it feels good to see the pup that I was still sitting on the porch.