Dad needs Dad

The other night, I had a lengthy exchange with a guy on AOL, a Dad seeking a boy. Like many AOL interactions, it was all about headspace, and in the wake of it, I'm sort of looking back and wondering, "What was that all about?" I've never gone looking for a Dad before, and never considered myself much of a boy.

Explanation for the Uninitiated: In the world of Leather-BDSM-Kink, a Dad and boy relationship is a type of power imbalance relationship. 'Dad' takes a dominant role vis a vis his boy. It can be distinguished from a Master/slave relationship by the fact that the boy is not necessarily 100% subservient (the day may come when the boy becomes a Dad), and the fact that whereas a Master/slave relationship entails absolute submission and feelings of affection can be problematic, Dad/boy is more about mentoring and guidance, and there's affection is not a problem, but an asset. Clear now? Good.

Anyway, I soit'nly haven't previously felt anything like an urge to be a boy. To a large degree, this is because I tend to chafe at being 'guided' and 'mentored.' I wanna take the reins. One of my big challenges when I bottom is overcoming my tendency to Top from the bottom: "I want you to do this in this way, followed by that, but not too hard, and make sure you work some other thing into the mix." That is not what submission is all about. I generally have pretty high standards that the men I do submit to have to live up to. (Heaven forbid any of the men who submit to me should apply those same standards to me.) And to take that on full time... to find a man who is not just amazing in some aspect of S/M (a skilled bondage Top, a renowned whipsman, a man who has raised face punching to an art form), but is amazing at this thing called Life... Well, that seems like a pretty tall order.

But the AOL interaction the other night was a wee bit more reality based. Therefore, a slightly more serious line of inquiry on my part.

So. What's that about?

Yesterday, it hit me. Part of the reason why it's never before crossed my mind to get a Dad is because I had a Dad, thank you very much. My relationship with my father is complicated, but it's there. He's my guide and mentor, and in many ways the yardstick against which I measure the content of my own character.

But now, that's changing.

He still has my love, regard, and respect. Absolutely. But he needs me now. He needs my guidance and my support. The other day, he himself pointed out that our roles were now reversed. He needs me to take care of him. In the past two weeks, this has entailed making sure he was wearing appropriate clothes when we went out, making sure he was getting enough to eat and that what he was eating wasn't entirely jejeune, making sure that he gets a haircut... So I'm kind of the Dad.

So even though he's still my father, in a way, I'm the Dad. And suddenly, there's this void in my life and in my heart. A Dad-shaped hole.

I suppose that what I should concentrate on is being my own Dad. Making sure that I eat right, get to the gym, don't get lazy, don't fall into bad habits, set goals and work to achieve goals, and so on.

Best not to look outside of yourself to get your needs met.

But, if I should run across (in real life, not on AOL), a good, strong older man involved with Leather-BDSM, and that man has his eye out for a boy, what would be the harm in going after that? Nada, as far as I can see.

I'm thinking of Iron John, by the poet Robert Bly. And, more to the point, Bly's follow up to that book, The Sibling Society. Bly argues (eloquently and well) that there are no more men; we're all boys. And that's because of a lot of things, including a paternalistic government, a lack of rituals marking the passages from boyhood to manhood, but also, because we grow up without fathers. It takes a father to rear a son. Without fathers, we all become denizens of the Island of Lost Boys in Pinocchio, having a blast while our asses ears grow.

S/M offers so much. At times, it seems to me to be a panacea for all that ails contemporary Western civilisation: submission as a counter to our unbridled egotism, savage intimacy in place of isolation and solipcism, a public sense of Who You Are in the churn of anonymity, sensual experience in a society that finds the Body to be repugnant, and depth and profundity of experience to check a consumerist culture that favors passive observation.

So yeah. If there's a Dad out there whose looking to collar a boy like me, I hope I meet him. Even though I want a slave, even though I'm hot to be a SIR to whatever new-to-alll-of-this boy that wanders into my sites, I want a Dad.

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