What's the hankie code flag for necrophiliac transvestism?

Today was the memorial service for my stepmother. On Sunday, I ran back to Jersey City to pick up a suit, shirt, and tie to wear. As I was leaving the Humble Abode, I realized, "Yikes! I'll need socks and shoes, too!" All I have with me are the grey athletic socks that I favor, boots, and sandals, none of which would really be appropriate.

So earlier, when I got out of the shower and went to get dressed, I realized that I had no boxers with me. Almost as a matter of policy, I dress commando-style. The only exception is when I'm wearing a suit, as worsted wool and jock itch are not a nice combination.

Uh oh. What to do?

I thought about borrowing a pair of boxers from Dad, but his waist size would probably be way too big for me. And then I had an idea.

I snuck into my stepmother's drawers and grabbed one of her panties. I tried them on. They fit perfectly. There was no helpful opening in the front, but that would just mean that if I had to piss while at the church, I'd need to use a stall, rather than a urinal.

So there I was, resplendent in my almost-Prada black suit, dark grey shirt, and SoHo-purchased tie, wearing my deceased stepmother's dainty underthings at her memorial service.

I hope the Executive Committee of the Chicago Hellfire Club doesn't learn of this. They'll boot me out for sure.

My brother picked out the readings and the hymns, and except for 'Abide with Me,' which I always thought was just laying it on way too thick, he did a great job. I did the New Testament reading, from the Book of Revalation:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his people, and he himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away." And the one who was seated on the throne said, "See, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true." Then he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give water as a gift from the spring of the water of life. Those who conquer will inherit these things, and I will be their God, and they will be my children."

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