He Stoops to Conquer

I'm exploring bottomspace.

It's easier than I had guessed it would be. I just remember: Be Here Now. And I decide to give myself totally and lovingly to the man who's topping me. And it's great. In the past, my attitude was more along the lines of showing how much I could take. White knuckles and clenched fists and gritted teeth. And that's not what it's about.

What prompted this?

Well, Punchpig, my literary editor, suggested that my book is incomplete. I need to talk about bottoming. So, "I'm doing research for a book I'm writing." And, I have this feeling that there's a whole continent that I need to explore, places I want to see and people I want to meet. And it answers a need I have right now, with all the craziness in my life, that I can't quite explain. I think it's about grounding myself. And staying in my body, and in the moment. And knowing my own strength, and being surprised by what I'm capable of doing. And keeping the river of my emotional life flowing, not allowing my feelings to be dammed up by fear and anxiety.

But it's tricky. I flirted with the idea of getting whipped at Inferno. (I know, I know, I owe you some Inferno tales. There coming, I swear. For a few days I lost my Inferno journal.) But thinking through the whipping Tops that were available, I couldn't commit to any one of them. I realized why: I wanted to be Topped by me. And they weren't me. And in seeking out bottom experiences and partners, I've had to overcome this. It's not about Topping from the bottom, it's about submission, giving of yourself, trusting, allowing yourself to be taken to a new place. It's not like getting a massage, where you decide what you want (Tai massage, rolfing, whatever), and find someone competent in that. Because usually in those circumstances, where someone is performing a service for you, you pay them for the trouble. Nope. This has got to be about simply saying, "Here I am. Take me." Submitting with love, and trusting in the basic compassion of the Top.

Gosh, who knows? I could get to like this.

---