Five Simple Rules for Meeting My Elderly Father

Why is this so complicated?

Dorian was our houseguest this weekend. This involved meeting my father. Dorian would skitter away like a cockroach whenever he heard my father coming out of his den. He'd dive into the bathroom, or run back to my bedroom. It was weird.

My father is not a bad guy. I don't understand why it is that my friends are always intimidated by the man. This goes back to high school. My friends in high school refered to my father as 'The Bear.'

Maybe I can see it now. Implicit in these meetings might be, "Hi, I'm the guy that's having your son put my penis in his mouth." But relax!

So, here are Five Simple Rules for Meeting My Elderly Father.

Rule Number 1: My father wants to like you! He really does! Even if, in fact, I am putting your penis in my mouth or up my tight but lucious butt or whatever, this makes my father even more concerned that you're a good and decent man. He's not being a prosecuting attorney.

Rule Number 2: Ask him questions. In his den, there's a page of a newspaper. It features my father. It's something like, 'A Day in the Life of a Pennsylvania Food Inspector.' A reporter followed my Dad along for a whole day. Why not say, "Gosh, is this you? It is! Wow!"

Rule Number 3: Listen to him. My father is nervous around new people. You could say I'm a chip off the old block in that department. He is much more concerned that you like him. His nervousness expresses itself by him telling stories. About growing up in Philadelphia, going to National Farm School and working in the dairy barn, serving his country in World War II. Spend some time hearing what he has to say.

Rule Number 4: Current Events are a safe topic of conversation, but don't argue with him. My father reads two newspapers a day, Time magazine every week, and watches CNN just about constantly. He's up on what's happening in the world. That said, he approaches the world from a liberal Democrat perspective. He hates George Bush. He's likin' Howard Dean. Ask him about the pace of development in Plumstead Township. Ask him what he thinks is going to come of the war in Iraq. If you happen to see the world differently, best not to press it. Oh. My father, as is not uncommon in men of his generation, is sort of prejudiced collectively but not individually. For example, he's angry at Moslems in the wake of September 11th, but loves his Moslem son-in-law and his Moslem son-in-law's Moslem cousin.

Rule Number 5: Don't be upset by the visual! My father is 78 years old. He smokes cigars; he has a lot of pain in his back but refuses to go to physical therapy, he wears clothes that he got when I was in high school because they're comfortable. He's not a tv commercial dad. He's not Henry Fonda in 'On Golden Pond.' He's an old guy. My philosophy is to let him spend his twilight years however he damn well pleases. I don't nag him. I don't tell him what he ought to do. He does what makes him happy, and I want him to be happy. The exterior might not be easy on the eyes, but underneath, he's a happy man.

So don't be afraid of The Bear. The Bear's a nice guy.

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