hot tub guy Rocks. Clearly.

This weekend is hot tub guy's birthday weekend. (Happy Birthday hot tub guy!) So of course, I'm baking him a birthday cake. (One of my many obsessions is baking birthday cakes.) Last night, I called hot tub guy and asked if it would work for him if I brought him a birthday cake sometime on Saturday, and then spent the night Saturday night as I'm doing the Philadelphia AIDS Walk (sponsor me! please!) on Sunday, and it kicks off at some ungodly hour like 8 a.m. or something, and I don't feel like getting up at 6 a.m. to drive down to the city.

This morning, on my drive in to work, hot tub guy called me back and said that absolutely he was up for some birthday cake (yessss!), and although he's flying to Terre Haute for business on Sunday, I could definitely spend the night (yessssss!!!). And hot tub guy also mentioned that he had met somebody who greeted him as "hot tub guy." As in, "Hey! You're hot tub guy, right? From SingleTails?" He was flattered and astonished, and I'm pretty astonished, too, that one of my more astute readers was able to identify him. hot tub guy can't be the only smokin' hot built man with dreamy eyes you just wanna get lost in and shares my fascination with werewolves and disdain of vampires in Philadelpha, can he? Or can he?

And while I had him on the phone, I mentioned that I had recently had dealings with someone he knew. Namely, Very Hairy Man. I described my involvement with Very Hairy Man to hot tub guy, who confirmed my assessment: Very Hairy Man is a prick. And something of a whacko, too. And as to the Unsolved Mystery of Very Hairy Man (calling to cancel our Thursday afternoon hook up after we had a nice lunch together and a few phone calls on Wednesday where both of us expressed our mutual attraction), hot tub guy offered a possible explanation: Very Hairy Man works for the FBI.

No way!

Way!

He's not a G-Man per se, but he is a computer guy, doing data base administration or something. And as such, he has all kinds of security clearances, and access to all sorts of information.

Okay. So that definitely is a possibility, although it poses as many questions as it answers. Chief among them: what could the FBI have on me?

FACT: I have an arrest record as long as your arm from acts of civil disobedience committed during my time involved in ACT UP, the AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power.

FACT: I'm a nationally recognized sadomasochist (I make friends wherever I go, all across this great land of ours).

FACT: Whenever I fly, I conceal several disposable lighters on my person and in my luggage to ensure that I'll be able to light up and have a smoke as soon as possible when I get off the plane.

FACT: I have been professionally involved in making sure that injection drug users have access to sterile syringes in order to prevent the spread of HIV.

FACT: I shouted down then Vice President Dan Quayle when he was speaking in front of the New York Conservative Party in 1992.

FACT: My awful Ex hates me and thinks I'm a terrible person.

FACT: I am banned from driving in New Jersey, but I do it anyway.

FACT: I know more people who have visited Cuba than I can count.

I guess it's possible that the FBI could have caught wind of any and all of these Fun Things To Know about me, but none of them really rings true as a reason to suddenly and without warning fire the guy who gave you a blow job in a porn theater 48 hours previously.

On that issue, hot tub guy had a different explanation: not only is Very Hairy Man a prick, he's also crazy and unstable.

Aha!

And then hot tub guy said it: "You're one of the most level-headed and kindest and most genuine people I've ever met. And whatever the reason he did that, he did you a huge favor, because you don't deserve someone like him in your life."

And at that point, I made that little coughing noise I make on those rare occasions when I'm speechless.

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