First Runner Up

Alas. Since there was only one other contestant for Leather Sir, that kind of means I lost. But I did get some lovely parting gifts: a Raging Stallion porn DVD (looks vanilla), a Smoking Hunks DVD (playing now), two music CDs, and more lube than I will ever use in my entire life, unless it's also got some protein content.

It was fun, although it was disappointing not to win. Met some new people, and seeing Mondo Contest from backstage was really interesting.

So what's it all about?

Well, I got there, and they fed us. Apparently there were accidents all over the Tri-State area, so everybody was late. (Whaddya know, more crappy rainy weather.) After we ate came The Interview. I stood on-stage as the judges asked me questions. Questions such as, "What does Protocol mean to you? Describe a sex fantasy concerning one of the judges. If you were doing a scene and only had $200 on your Home Depot credit card to buy all the equipment you'll need, what would you get? Why do you like singletail whips so much (Thanks, Walt!)? Since the region you'd represent includes all of New York State and New Jersey, what would you do to bring the region together?" and from the lone woman judge, "If we were in a leather bar and I was the only woman and the other men were making it clear I wasn't wanted there, what would you say to them?"

I think I handled myself pretty well.

Then, backstage, the real fun started. I decided to wear my officer's hat for my introduction. One of the backstage helpers asked me if I was up on protocol for wearing a cover. Uh... Here's how it goes. You take the stage wearing it, but then remove it as a sign of deference. You remove it by either grabbing the crown with one hand or with both hands on either side of the brim, and never let it cross your face, and hold it under your arm.

I mean... like... Uh-oh. I decided to make things simpler for myself my not wearing my hat. Excuse me, my "cover."

And then there was the issue of my boots. They weren't shined, of course, as I don't have a boy. One of the judges let it be known that he was paying special attention to boots and was looking to take off points. Luckily, there was polish and brushes backstage, so the backstage helpers went to work on my boots. Problem solved? Hardly. There are nicks on my boots. (I'm hard on boots.) If they were noticed, there would be points taken off. Also, boots had to be laced all the way up, and your bows can't show.

Next up was my formal introduction to the crowd that had gathered. I decided to say right off the bat that I had never been in a contest before, and had only just decided to enter this one. (This was nothing more or less than an attempt to gain the sympathy from the judges.) I said I was on the Board of GMSMA and an Associate Member of the Chicago Hellfire Club, that my favorite scene was singletail whips, and that I played softball (butch points) and had a dog (points from any fellow dog owners on the panel).

Okay. Then I blew it. The Fantasy Sequence. The Leather boy contestant did this amazing showstopper of a choreographed song he wrote himself, singing about the joys of boyhood (lyrics he wrote himself) to the tune of the 80s hit from the movie Footloose, "Let's Hear It For the Boy." I mean, what chutzpah! He was great. My competition was out on stage for a good fifteen minutes. I have no idea what he did (the report I heard was "There's not a lot he didn't do"), but the guy he did his fantasy with came back in a rope harness and covered with dip spit. My fantasy was pretty pathetic. I worked from notes (points off, I'm sure), and had to awkwardly borrow a music stand from the MC.

I set the stage by saying that we were at the Oscar's, and I was receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award.

And then I said this:

This is a tremendous honor for me. Really.

People always ask me, what about Shakespeare? What about Williams or Ibsen? Why limit yourself to playing the Bad Guy in Action movies?

The answer is because I love it (I punctuated this by cracking a signal whip). And the screenwriters and directors I’ve worked with have been great, always willing to use suggestions I make in the scripts that I’ve worked on. It’s been such a great experience.

There are so many people I want to thank, but some of the great actors I’ve worked with really stand out.

Bruce Willis. Is Bruce here? I had a blast in Die Hard IV working with Bruce. Lashing him to a spit and grilling him like the pig he is was a hoot. Body hair grow back alright, Bruce?

The most fun I ever had doing a whipping scene was with Arnold Schwarzenegger. What a guy. Y’know, Arnold wouldn’t use a stunt man or a body double for that scene. That was really Arnold’s blood. And real tears he was crying.

Vin Diesel. What a performance. He even looked great chained at my feet and soaked in my piss. In fact, I’d say he never looked better.

Keanu Reeves. During that great scene where I had Keanu handcuffed in a chair and was working him over bareknuckled, messing up that pretty face of his, the director yelled ‘Cut!’ three times before I heard him. He was yelling ‘cut!’, Keanu was yelling ‘cut!’ everybody was yelling cut, but I was too into it to hear.

Sylvester Stallone. If you ever have the chance to drive Sly out into the Nevada desert in the trunk of your car, stake him out spread eagle, and work him over with a cattle prod like I did, take that opportunity.

And finally, on a somber note, as one of the last people to see Tobey Maguire before his strange disappearance, when he came out to meet with me before we were to work together on the next Spider-Man movie, I join with everyone here in mourning this terrible loss. Tobey, wherever you are, I hope you’re safe and sound. And I urge you—if anyone can make sense of the strange message he left when he called his agent from his cell phone (Stupid!) about the steel collar and the dog cage, please, Please! Notify the LAPD.

Thank you very much.

They didn't laugh at the laugh lines. It didn't work.

And finally, there was the jockstrap portion of the evening. I went to the gym before the contest, and upon stepping on the scale learned to my horror that my weight was down to 185. That is horrifying.

So we all filed backstage and changed into something less... jockstrap. Waiting and waiting and waiting for the business on stage, till finally, the magic moment. Out we all went. And it was announced that I was first runner up.

Oh well. I guess I would have come to the same judgment. The other guy has been in and around the world of contests for a while, and was really thrilled to have won it. He definitely deserved it.

So that's over with. Don't know that I'll be heading off in pursuit of a sash again.

Now, I'm off to bed. In ten short hours, I need to be on the scene at the Leather Pride Night storage facility in order to help load the merchandise into the truck to go over to the Puck Building.

My First Runner Up Medalion will go next to my softball trophy. Well, behind my softball trophy.

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