Changing The Rules

When you're in the years of midlife as I am, it's important to guard against calcification of your outlook. Some rigidity is inevitable, but you don't want to become one of those Old Guard scolds, nattering on, alone, in the corner, about how if some pup had tried that back at the Gold Coast he would have been taken outside and horsewhipped.

And so, as a public service, I want to announce two Official Changes In The Rules.

Doubtless, this will be hard for many of you to take. But Buddy, you gotta change with the changing times. Of course, these rules have been approved by nobody in particular, but regardless, the Rules are officially changed, as of now.

The first one is a hard one.

Henceforth and in the future, it will now be Okay to wear cargo shorts and sandals to a leatherbar.

I know! I know I know I know!

Scandalous! Horrifying! The end of Western Civilization as we know it! Hang up your leathers and take up Soduko.

No, it's true. You see it more and more, and it doesn't look un-hot. And when you have to stop for gas on your way down to the leatherbar, you don't have people thinking that you're ten cents short of a nickle wearing your boots when it's 98° out.

Bootblacks, in particular, will take this hard. I know.

But there it is. Sandals and cargo shorts, preferrably cammo, are offically Okay.

Okay. That's one down. We got through it. The second one isn't as hard to take.

Since increasing numbers of leathermen are wearing their cellphones on their belts, this will also now officially be Okay. Even though Carson Kresley is doing his best to stop that oncoming locomotive, the battle is lost. Cellphones will be worn on belts. And that's Okay.

But, here's the thing. With this new freedom comes a new responsibility. Irrespective of your sexual role (Tops, who flag left and are sexually dominant, and bottoms, who flag right and are sexually submissive), that will not apply to cell phones. Instead, you will wear your cell phone on the appropriate side to indicate your cell phone role.

Say what?

Bear with me. If you're a cell phone Top, that means you get his number and you call him. If you're a cell phone bottom, that means you give your number when asked, and, hopefully, get called.

Two cell phone bottoms will meet the plight of any two bottoms who might be powerfully turned on to each other, but have to realize that it's not going to go anywhere. And a cell phone Top who falls down on the job will be viewed with the same jaundiced eye as a man who flags black hanky left, then begs the guy he goes home with to tie him up and beat his butt.

That's just wrong. And he should be taken out back and horsewhipped.

Okay. So those are the Rules.

Learn'em. Love'em. Live'em.

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