Men!

What is it with men?

Lately, I've been keenly aware of an odd phenomenon. When I lived in NYC, all the hot men--or just the men likely to catch my eye, get my attention, not necessarily make me forget what I was saying mid-sentence or something--were gay men. When I would run across "seeking straight-acting, straight-appearing" in personal ads, it didn't make sense to me. You're really looking for somebody with a bad haircut who wears sweat pants and a tshirt that says "I'm with stupid" or something? Straight men in NYC were pretty much filler. Seriously, my heart goes out to heterosexual women.

But here in Bucks County... Well, on my last few trips to the Raven, I leave after about twenty minutes or so. Surveying most of the crowd, I just think, "What the hell were you thinking when you decided that lemon yellow pleated (!) shorts, a circa 1999 print long-sleeved shirt tucked in, and tassled penny loafers would spell hook-up success? And damn! Did you fill up your lap pool with that awful cologne you're wearing? And did you not understand the directions on the bottle of Miss Clairol, or didn't you bother to read them at all?

But, then I head to the Clemons Market in Plumsteadville. And it's filled with these hot men. Men with awesome beards, filling out their Carharrts, military brushcuts... The other night, there was this guy there who made my shopping list go right out of my head. I swear, if you were to drop him in the middle of the Dugout on a Sunday afternoon, it would be like a zombie movie. He'd just be devoured. Nothing left within seconds.

So, in NYC, the gay men are hot, and the straight men are schlumpy. But in Bucks County, the straight men are hot, but the gay men are schlumpy.

What's that about?

The Baron von Philadelphia and I were puzzling over this. And we might have come up with the answer.

Y'see, Bucks County is pretty much a resort community. Gay men here, for the most part, aren't from here. They get country places, or decide to retire here. And whereas in a big city like NYC, we are all of us always aware of the Darwinian struggle for survival. You gotta represent, right? But these guys, the guys who show up at the Raven, have a diifferent mindset. It goes something like this: "I have a fabulous 1752 farmhouse that I've painstakingly renovated, my landscapers have done an amazing job, I drive a convertible BMW, my stock portfolio is doing great: I can have any guy I want." They're looking for an accessory.

So that's the state of things. So I'll deal with it.

But I sure miss NYC. And that... that... numinous cloud of romantic possibility. I mean, it's not about hooking up all the time. It's just, you'd be sitting there at Starbucks, and you'd just have to look around, and gosh, there's a hot guy! And he looks at you, and you look at him, and he smiles, and you smile, and he heads off to the grocery store, and you go to your meeting. It's not like you have to take care of business there and then. But maybe you'll both be standing in line waiting for the ATM sometime, and you'll introduce yourselves, and exchange numbers, and get together for dinner, and find out there's a lot in common, and you like the same things, and there's lots of mutual sexual attraction, and you go home together and find out that you're super compatible in bed, and you continue to spend time together, and you take a trip together and have a blast the whole time, and then, there you are fifty years from now in the gay retirement community reminiscing about your wonderful life together. Or whatever. It doesn't have to happen, it's just nice to have the possibility.

It's like when you're driving across country, and when there's always gas stations available, you don't need to think about it. But, when you're heading through the Sonoran dessert, you're really really really aware that you've only got a quarter of a tank, and it's been a long time since you've passed a gas station, and you're just wondering if you're gonna find a gas station again.

Y'know?

So Bucks County is sort of my Sonoran dessert.

Funny thing is, understanding what's going on makes it all totally tolerable.

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