Slur-Stravaganza!

(It's only hurtful and offensive because it's true!)

Inferno is mere weeks away, and more and more often my thoughts are preceeding me to the Top Secret Location.

Lately, I've been thinking of the international nature of the event. Men literally come from all over the world. And, of course, this gives one the opportunity to observe and construct crass, simpleminded stereotypes!

For example...

Germans

They're goofy, right? All Germans have that goofiness to them. "Oh! Jah! Er was ganz fantastische! Wirklich!" But wait, you counter, aren't we talking about a people who march off like lemmings into wars of world conquest every other generation or so, and who almost succeeded in destroying European jewry? Well, yeah, but if you think about it, they probably just do things like that so that no one will notice how goofy they are.

The Dutch

Are soooOOOoooOOOooo snotty. When you're with more than one, you know they're both looking forward to when you're not around so they can laugh at you. And spend a lot of time while they're with you laughing up their sleeves.

But sorry, if you set yourself up as party central to the Western World, you can expect the lamest of all nations to descend upon your fairer cities in search of primo hashish and behave really really badly while they're there.

The English

Dorky. The English are definitely dorky. At their best, they're dorky in a self-ironic John Cleese kind of way. But mostly they think they're being so cool. Go ahead! Come over here and take over publishing all our magazines because benighted Americans think your so veddy cultured just because you share that island with Stratford-on-Avon. You're still dorky! Look at the British Royal Family. And guess what: the instrument has not been devised that can measure the minute shades of dorkiness from any Englishman and the Prince of Wales.

Oh. But just so we're clear: we're not including the Scots and certainly not the Irish in with the English.

Canadians

Quirky! Without exception. Quirky! And you usually don't have to dig too deep to figure out what the quirk is. Vast teacup collections. Theories on the extraterrestrial origins of dust bunnies. Having eaten two poached eggs and unbuttered white toast for breakfast at precisely 6:12 a.m. for all of their adult lives. They've all got quirks. Maybe it's those long cold winters.

Come to think of it, it must be those long cold winters. Because French Canadians--I've loved every one I've ever met--are totally immune to qurikiness. They get through the long cold winters by heavy drinking.

Southerners

Don't get them talking about their mamas. It's really unattractive. And don't ask them about their people. And God help you if you've got something they decide they want and subject you to what is euphemistically called "Southern Charm." It's so degrading.

Cubans

Don't you know that before Fidel when we were all blond and danced for hours at the yacht club and had a fleet of servants to clean the birdshit off the lawn? How dare you suggest to me that we stop at a Wawa for that despicable concoction they have the temerity to call 'coffee.' Don't you know that I'm much too good for that?

Asians

I'm a huge fan! No, really! I used to have these amazing conversations late into the night with these Penn students from the People's Republic. The Japanese are inherently cool. These are the people that gave us sushi after all. (And, more important to me, sashimi.)

But the next time traffic is tied up on whatever major highway and it turns out that it's due to someone driving fifteen miles an hour below the speed limit in the left land with their left turn signal on... Well, you know. You see where I'm going with that, right?

Midwesterners

Dear God, but those people can just talk for hours without saying anything at all. It's the communicative equivalent of magicians and brightly colored silk scarves. The words keep coming and coming and coming and coming... And not only does your jaw start to ache from smiling politely, but you get a crick in your neck from nodding in agreement with their vapid observations and re-re-re-re-re-statments of the blatantly obvious.

I think I covered all the bases. Let me know if I left anybody out!

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