Christmas List
Or, “…And then I’ll be Happy All of the Time.”

1. An apartment in the West Village.
2. A home equity line of credit.
3. Three-day weekends.
4. Fielding skills.
5. A condo in Fort Lauderdale (got that!) worthy of an Architectural Digest spread.
6. Dungeon space in lower Manhattan.
7. Chaps that fit.
8. A boy.
9. Mastery of HTML and web hosting.
10. 195 pounds of lean muscle mass.
11. A job as a bartender in a leatherbar.
12. Graduate studies in architecture, or physical therapy, or construction project management.
13. A wardrobe equal parts Armani and David Samuel Menkes.
14. A month in a cabin in the desert to write a book and howl with coyotes.

…yeah, but who doesn’t want those things? How pedestrian!

How about…

1. A starring role in an award winning porn flick.
2. An appointment as Ambassador to the Czech Republic.
3. An iPhone (C’mon, Steve Jobs!).
4. Holy Orders.
5. A place in the Richard Meier Perry Street Towers. With parking.
6. A dungeon space in the Starrett-Lehigh building.
7. A job where I get a paycheck, but I’m not, in fact, expected to do anything or be anywhere in particular.
8. First blog to win a Pulitzer.
9. A personal trainer/nutritionist and chef/softball coach. Named Dieter.


And of course, how could I leave out…

10. Vin Diesel, chained at my feat, drenched in my piss.


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