Had dinner tonight with Almost Bruiser. He's a totally sweet guy. He's good in the sack. He's submissive and reportedly pretty experienced (he was a slave to a Master for a few years). Here's a weird thing: when I'm with him I feel like I'm stuck in a relationship. And we're just dating. What's that about? Maybe it's that I feel as though he has a role he wants me to play, and I'm sort of resisting that role. Does that make sense? Apparently, he has been fantasizing about me for a long time before we met. I'm kind of his ideal. That should be hot stuff, no? But it just makes me feel put upon and obliged. It's almost like he's too available. And he's very available. He said so. A few times. I open up the collar and he'll jump right into it. It's not neediness I'm picking up from him, as he's not particularly in need of anything. And he says he's drawn to me because he feels he isn't growing, and senses that I'd bbe able to take him on the proverbial journey of self discovery.

But, I found myself thinking frequently about Boy Wonder, whom I'm doing a scene with tomorrow night. There's a wonderfully submissive man. I'd love to have him as a slave. The scene we did was great for both of us. But here's the tricky thiing there: I have to work, and he clearly doesn't. At all. And if he were my slave, I can only imagine that I'd be pretty well taken care of. If nothing else, I'd have a pretty amazing play space in Lower Manhattan at my disposal. I really like him, but I don't trust my motives. It's like, how do I know I'm not marrying for the money? (If and when I spend the night there, there's this room with an amazing huge bed and a fire place right there. He'd be sleeping on the floor.)

Life is like... way complicated.

Oh. Yesterday at the GMSMA Novices Group, we explored shaving. I didn't want to shave my chest (I'd be laughed out of the Dugout; this is not LA!), so I allowed my ass to be shaved. I always thought that was a really hot look. Welll, this is profoundly uncomfortable. And, if memory serves, it's gonna get worse before it gets better. The recommended salve is to apply aloe vera lotion. Sorry, but I think that having a but slick with hand cream would be like having a slice of salami in my shoe.

One other thing before I hit the sack. I was talking to a buddy of mine from Leather Navigator. He has a boy boyfriend. (Not quite a boy, but their relationship isn't quite a partnership of equals, either.) Anyway, boy/boyfriend is saying he's uncomfortable with my buddy playing outside of their relationship. So they're going into counseling to discuss after the New Year. I advised that they should make sure that the counselor they see understands the difference between sex and scene-play. I mean, the issue isn't that Buddy is having sex outside the relationship.

I got a great idea that I passed on to Buddy: why not collar your boy/boyfriend, and make him your boy? Do so in a public setting. Give him a permanent collar. Tell him (proclaim to all who will attend, in fact) that he is your boy, you own him, you are responsible for him, he alone wears your collar, and you will take care of him. That, I said, could give your boy/boyfriend the sense of security that is threatened by your extra-curricular playing. I recommended that he obtain and read David Stein's book 'Carried Away,' that presents a reality-based love story of the genesis of a Master/slave relationship. After we talked, it occurred to me that part of the bargain might be that Buddy is not ready to own his identity as a Sir. (Master, Daddy, whatever.) It's a lot he's taking on. But, I think that it would definitely be a good thing for their relationship.

Time for bed. 'Night.