Men Don't Tell

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd give a little bit of unsolicited romantic advice. A valuable lesson I've learned (the hard way) that I thought I'd pass on. A misunderstood aspect of the male psyche that leads to untold heartache and angst in the world.

By way of example... So he finally has the guts to put it into words, you're fired, he's dumping you, and you sit there, dope that you are, and ask, "Why? I thought things were going so well with us? What's going on?" And he stutters and stammers and makes noises, but offers nothing in the way of a satisfying explanation. So of course you spend the next several months trying to fill in the blanks yourself, trying to figure out what you did wrong.

Am I right? I'm right, right? Of course I'm right.

So get this. Recent readings in neuroscience have brought to my awareness this salient fact: in most women's brains, the part of the brain where emotions arise is hardwired to the part of the brain where language is formed and processed, but in most men's brains, those two parts of the brain have little, if anything, to do with each other.

Truth!

(Or, y'know, it's the proposition that embraces most of the evidence and the phenomena identified and tested by the scientific method. Like that theory of evolution deal.)

Y'see?

Implications coming clear?

Men are always accused of not being in touch with their feelings, and not being able to express their feelings, and blah blah blah. Women, on the other hand, are all about, "I sensed a certain tentativeness in you when I was talking about my friend Merideth's baby, and that made me feel needy and alone, because I want children some day, and I'm frankly threatened by the fact that you're obviously pretty ambivalent in your feelings about children."

And the guy listening to this is like, "Duh.... Idaknow."

That's why he doesn't have an answer for you about why he's dumping you. He can't put it into words. Not to say he doesn't have reasons, but it's like a blind person being asked to explain what purple looks like.

And of course, when you get two men in a relationship, you have conversations that look like some weird kabuki theater: fist slammed on countertop, hand on chin, running fingers through hair... It's like nameless deamon's taking control of you.

(And I think it's just this insight, among others, that makes Brokeback Mountain so successful. Annie Proulx sure knows her neurochemistry! But I'm bringing up That Movie again, huh?)

So we all should learn not to press the men in our lives on these issues. It's not like he's not trying. It's not like he doesn't care, or doesn't feel. It's just the way God made him.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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