UnHorny

Is there a word for that? "Inert" comes to mind as a possibility. My nightly beat off sessions (after saying night prayer from the BCP, before I drift off to fitful sleep) have become downright desultory. I just don't have it in me. Just nothing goiong on. Some sort of deficit of the erotic imagination.

(I know, right?)

So what's up with that?

Danged if I know.

Got some ideas though...

•I'm at "that age." Maybe it's just a matter of getting older. I am not the man I was in my 20s, little less my teens. Although I'm given to understand that when you hit your 50s, the libido returns with a vengence.

•Too much going on. With the job search, with Starbucks, with church, with my dad, with getting work done on my car... A lot to dwell on.

•And all the dating. Maybe I've overdosed on men. The result of over-exposure. Like getting too much sun.

•The Little Old Lady Ride I've been tooling around town in. The venerable white Ford Taurus. My deceased stepmother's car. It's just soooooo Not Me. Castrating for sure. Luckily, my trusty Jeep Liberty is all ready for me to drive out of the dealership. And it should be driving like a new car. (In my next life, I'll learn the lesson of Routine Maintenance. In this life, I'm paying for my ignorance.)

•Well heck, didn't I just get dumped? Why yes I did. And even though I did my best to play it like water off a duck's back, I did have moments of asking myself, "So what's going on here? What am I doing wrong?

•Heartbroken? Still??? That guy from LA, whom I met last year at MAL, sure rocked me. In a big way. A lot of things were brought home to me then. Including reduced nature of my potential seeing as I live with my dad and make not much money and all. And in a way, all the other rejections I've faced, even though I've pretty much taken them on the chin, were very present.

•Reduced testosterone. Y'see, since Christmas, I haven't been to the gym more than a handful of times. So my blood levels of that particular molecule are probably suffering. And it has a lot to do with male sexual response.

•Brokeback Mountain. That's another possibility. I saw it for a second time on monday night. And it's kindled within me all kinds of wacky notions about what Emmylou Harris called "One Big Love." Just when I manage to convice myself that such a thing is mythic.

Will it pass? I hope so. If not, there's always my fiftieth birthday to look forward to!

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