Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Now Serving Number Forty-four!

Here's a little turn of phrase that's increasingly cropping up in online profiles: "step to the front of the line!"

As in, "Short, muscular dominant men in their 40s and 50s can step to the front of the line!"

Okay. Now the reason that we're told by our high school English teachers to avoid clichés in our writing is because clichés are really annoying. They add nothing, only take away.

But this one is just crazy. I mean, it begs the question, "You have a line?"

Being a literal-minded kinda guy, I'm imaging an actual line of men, in the hallway outside the apartment door or going up the walk from the street to the front door. Doing what people do in lines, exchanging text messages, reading newspapers or magazines ("'Scuse me, are you done with the Sports section?"). Maybe some of the Men On Line showed up really early for a good place on the line, and they're huddled under a blanket eating powerbars and looking a little groggy after a sleepless night spent in someone's front yard. And there would probably be Line Drama, right? "No! I was here, I swear! I just had to run down to the diner on the corner to use the bathroom!"

Okay. So you there! You with the line! What the hell are you doing trawling around on the internet when you've got a line formed? Do you survey the line through the curtains and yawn behind fanned fingers, disappointed by the prospects?

Don't you owe it to those guys standing on line to at least step out and make an announcement? ("Thank you all for turning up, but we're not seeing anyone else today. Please leave your number and email address and we'll let you know.")

Or, do you dutifully accept all comers, offering a hopefully cheerful, "Next!" as you open the door, clapping the departing sexual conquest warmly on the back with one hand and extending the other to welcome the guy at the front of the line?

And just let me be clear: I have no line. So step right up! We can meet up at Starbucks, with the weather getting warmer, maybe get to know each other over cigars. And if'n we hit it off, we can go get busy.

No lines ever!


Anonymous said...

Oh, I am SO GLAD that you picked up on this, Drew! Too funny!! It hasta be one of my Top Ten Online Annoyances of the past year. I add it to the now-ancient "No fats or fems" (I used to see that in Village Voice personals ads circa 1980--talked about antediluvian!), "Woof", and "Not looking for an LTR right now, but if the right one comes along..."

Rob (LthrUniform@aol.com)

MsSnS said...

It must be that famous mile-long line-o-men that my dad always said would line up outside my door...