Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?

I don't know what Trooper Gilchrist was doing tonight, but it wasn't showing up in court in Newburgh, New York, to testify against me. Henceforth, the case against me was dismissed, I was adjudged to be no threat to the People of the State of New York, and I was free to go. And, no points on my license.

Cool. And, I didn't even need the intervention of my politico boss. Who seems to have come down with that disease you get on cruise ships. Deadpan: Nothing serious. I hope.

This afternoon I did a Google search on 'beat speeding ticket new york' and came up with a website that indeed purported to offer advice on how to beat a speeding ticket. Their description of the process was that the Trooper would take the stand and give testimony against you, and then you would have the opportunity to cross examine. Sundry advice included to object (to actually say, "Objection, Your Honor. Inadmissable.") if the Trooper didn't describe the make and model of the radar gun he was using, and tell when was the last time it was tested and calibrated.

That's a winning strategy? Hello?!! "Isn't it true, Trooper Gilchrist, that when you observed the silver Jeep Liberty it was moving with a group of other cars? And that being the case, can you be sure, Trooper Gilchrist, that in fact your radar gun was reading the speed limit of the silver Jeep Liberty and not one of the other cars in the group? Are you certain, Trooper Gilchrist? Can you, in fact, be certain beyond a reasonable doubt as to what occurred over sixty days ago, Trooper Gilchrist?" They'd just love that. How endearing! And, totally incorrect. Here's what happened. You checked in and sat in a big room with all the other speed demons. Then, state troopers would come in and call out names. These, in fact, were the troopers who wrote the tickets. You would go outside with your trooper, and he would offer you a plea, and apparently this was subject to negotiation. Maybe it was an idiosyncracy of Judge Werner (presiding), but no body had to plead guilty to a charge that would earn you points on your license. Everybody was pleading guilty to the lesser charge of 'stopping on the pavement' and 'faulty spedometer' and the like, paying a fine of $35, and heading back out on the highway.

Oh. And if you're ever in Newburgh, New York, be sure to stop in at Villa Italiana at the intersection of Route 300 and Route 32. I went there after court to grab a bite to eat. I ordered lasagna, expecting... y'know, the greasy mess you get in pizza parlors and greek diners. Uh uh. The sauce, the pasta, the mozzarella... it was really, really good. I'll have to remember Villa Italiana (north on Route 300 off Exit 17 of the Thruway for the next time I'm looking for chow on the way home. Much better than an Arby's roast beef sandwich at the rest stop.

Free at last, free at last...