So after work, I went out for a drink with my fellow staff members. Note: I certainly hope this blog doesn't become the chronicle of my descent into alcoholism, but never in my life have the words, "I need a drink" crossed my lips until today. We retired to an Irish pub near the office and bemoaned our fate. We're all dreading tomorrow, sure that Boss Sunshine is going to continue in his foul temper. We sort of parried suggestions on how best to cope with it. It doesn't work to get mad back because his rage is inexhaustible. There's no reasoning with him. You just have to ride out the storm. And there's always the chance that tomorrow he'll be all sweetness and light. You can never tell.

That's when it dawned on me. It's just like how it is for children growing up in a house with an alcoholic parent. You never know when good old mom is going to stop off for Mar-too-nies on the way home, and come in the door a raging drunk, spitting venom and rage. So kids try to read the tea leaves in everything, observing closely, looking for some sign of the impending nightmare. The effort is pointless, because the behavior is irrational. Mom isn't getting drunk 'because' of your bad report card, Mom is getting drunk because she consumed a lot of alcohol, and she did this because she's an alcoholic. My boss, like my Ex, are both alcoholics in recovery. I think that although they left the drinking behind, they still rely on the behavior. One of my fellow staff opined that Sunshine's emotions are like that of a child. There's no complexity. There's just 'happy' and 'angry.' For most folks, anger is multi-faceted. You feel cheated, or hurt, or taken for granted, or wronged, or abused, or lonely, or tired, or stressed. For Sunshine, it all just comes out as angry, irreducible and unexamined. And boy, does it ever come out.

I will not let this get to me. This will not cause me stress or anxiety. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. All I can do is do my job the best I know how. And work like hell to get myself out of there. I lived with this for seven and a half years and at times, it wrecked me. I'm not going to abide this one minute more than I have to.

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