Mix It Up

(Scene: Somewhere on the Astral Plane)

God: All set for your trip?

Me: I guess I am... I mean...

God: Okay. I just want to give you an idea of what you'll be running into down there.

Me: Great! I'm pretty excited about this.

God: Well first off, I should let you know up front that you're going to be gay.

Me: Gay? Really? Gosh...

God: Have a problem with that?

Me: Not if you don't, but...

God: But what?

Me: Okay. If I'm gonna be gay, then I want a fourteen inch dick.

God: Nope. Standard six.

Me: No way! I'll never get laid! Okay. Eleven.

God: No. You're getting six.

Me: Nine.

God: No! Are you arguing with me?

Me: Well, it's just that I don't want to be... ...overlooked.

God: You won't be. I'll give you a quick wit.

Me: A big help that'll be. And a great body?

God: I'll tell you what. Just because I like you: you can eat everything you want and not gain an ounce.

Me: Okay. That's cool.

God: Don't be too grateful. You can also work out all you want and never gain an inch on your biceps.

Me: Why are you doing this to me?

God: Because I like things to be interesting.

Me: Oh my God. I...

God: Please don't do that.

Me: Do what?

God: Spit out my name like that. I hate that. I really hate that. I wrote it on a mountain once. I hear my name called and I drop what I'm doing and check it out, one of my children in anguish or something. And what do I find? Somebody found knock-off Pradas for $20. Pisses me off every time. Don't expect a good parking space after you do that.

Me: I'll remember that.

God: No, actually you won't.

Me: So anyway. Happy childhood?

God: Not too shabby. You're growing up in a beautiful part of the world. Oh. I've gotta make sure you look good in black.

Me: Why black?

God: Because you'll be going to a lot of funerals.

Me: What? Whose?

God: Some of your mothers.

Me: Will I be an orphan?

God: Oh you'd just love all that drama, wouldn't you? No. Just mothers. And grandparents.

Me: That's an awful childhood! I don't want that! Will I be spoiled at least?

God: You'll have a lot of love coming your way. And wait till you meet your paternal grandmother. She'll like you the best.

Me: How about adolescence? What's in the plan there?

God: Do the words "pizza face" mean anything to you?

Me: Acne? I'm going to have acne? Why? I'll be scarred for life.

God: Because you're actually going to be pretty good looking, and I don't want it to go to your head.

Me: Okay. Do I find true love? Will I find my soulmate? Someone to share my life with?

God: Actually, you'll be lucky when you find someone to share your weekend with.

Me: Your kidding me, right? You call this a life?

God: Like I said, I like to mix it up some. Keeps things interesting.

Me: Interesting to you is turmoil for me. Has that dawned on you?

God: It won't be that bad. Take a look. Here's some of the hotties you'll be hanging with.

Me: Wow. Whoa! That one is nice. Do I get much time with him?

God: Uhhh... Lemme see. No. He gets all whiney because you go to a movie he doesn't like and so you don't return his calls.

Me: How about him? He looks great.

God: Oh yeah. I'm definitely being generous to you there. He's great. You're gonna have a whole summer with him.

Me: What happens in September?

God: Let's move on, shall we?

Me: Alright. I have a request.

God: Let's hear it.

Me: If I'm gonna be gay, I want to be a Top.

God: Thank you! Thank you for mentioning that to me. I keep forgetting to make them Tops. It's all out of whack down there. Yes. You can be a Top.

Me: Great! Thanks, God!

God: Although... (murmuring while taking notes) include a double order of empathy and heavy on the self-doubt.

Me: What was that?

God: Oh, I was just remembering something I have to do for later.

Me: So will I do great things?

God: I've got some pretty good ones lined up for you. You'll be leaving My creation better than you found it in a number of ways. Of course, most of the time you won't realize that.

Me: I sound like kind of a dweeb...

God: No. You will definitely not be a dweeb. Well, maybe in junior high school. Yeah. Then it's definitely dweeb.

Me: Is it going to be a hard life?

God: I tell the same thing to everybody: it's as hard as you want to make it.

Me: Gotcha. I'll remember that.

God: You definitely won't. Well, sometimes you'll remember that.

Me: Will I be famous?

God: (laughing) I got really creative here. I'm actually pretty pleased with myself on that score.

Me: So you're saying...

God: Your best moments will end up right on the cutting room floor.

Me: God! C'mon!

God: I'm sorry. But I can't help myself. This is going to be great. My advice to you is not to care too much about that.

Me: So what else is in store for me?

God: What can I tell you at this point... Some great dogs, some great friends, risking death two... three... four times. Before it's for real.

Me: Wow!

God: Yeah. Just to keep you honest. And let's see what else. What have I given you in terms of skills... let's see. Public speaking. An eye for beauty. Good with words. A poet's soul--y'know I'm stingy with that last one. Great at throwing a whip...

Me: And that will help me how?

God: Let's just say it will give you an opportunity to remember what you're leaving behind while you're down there.

Me: How...? Why...?

God: You'll see. And, I'm giving you a lot of insight. People in your life will rely on you for that.

Me: Great. So I'll be a hit at cocktail parties, won't I?

God: Don't be so negative! Although as a matter of fact, you will.

Me: Okay. So we've covered death, acne, obscurity... How about some of the good stuff in store for me. If there is any.

God: Of course there is! The part when you're in the Nevada desert under the stars! You'll love that! And when you're ten, you're going to have your first brush with lycanthropy. Oh, and when Starbucks gets going, things will really look up for you. And in the 'early sexual experiences' department, you're totally lucking out. And great dogs you'll have! And when you and this guy fall asleep in an olive grove, and you wake up in the morning and see the sun rise... I love how you cry for that one. And after you give birth to your first child, you'll be back on the modeling circuit in a matter of weeks...

Me: What???!!!

God: Oops. My mistake. That last one was for someone named Yasmine LeBon. She's going down the same chute that you are. Yup. Same birthday. October 29, 1964.

Me: So overall, I'll have a good time?

God: I'll just say this. When the time arrives for you to come home... well, some people are more than ready. Some people are ready to go years before they do. But not with you. When you realize what's going down, you'll have to take a moment to prepare. Because you won't want it to end.

Me: Why? Because I'll be nineteen years old or something?

God: No, because of all the sweetness and the joy that you'll know, year after year after year.

---