Adieu 2005

Here we are at the butt end of a bad year. In the larger world, we had a tsunami in the Indian Ocean, genocide in Darfur, terrorist bombings in the London Underground, Hurricane Katrina and its hateful aftermath, an earthquake in Pakistan where they're still numbering the dead, and, of course, the ongoing tragedy in Iraq.

And then there's my life. I started off the year by... ummm... loving unwisely but too well. And having my heart broken. It was a tough thing, since I pride myself on my ability to give my heart away, and look for opportunities to do that. Love, after all, makes my world go around. And I learned, hard lesson that it is, that the intimacy and connection that go down in a scene do not necessarily translate into the world of jobs and geography and socio-economic strata.

And living here with my dad, I hit the wall. Again and a gain and again. Whammo. Ker-powww. Splat. My illusions about my father we're stripped away. It took me up to and beyond my breaking point. Frustration, rage, and despair. I'm not sure I could say I've managed to come through. Perhaps I'm only keeping those at bay. For the moment.

At one point, out walking Faithful Companion one night, I lifted my eyes to heaven, and with rage and let the Almighty know that I couldn't take it any more. "How long, God? How much longer?" And I got a reply! That still, small voice answered me and said, "Until you learn everything that you need to learn." And that sure made sense. I was like, "Oh. Right. Okay."

And so I'm doing my best to learn.

Sad, lonely, angry, depressed.

But man have I learned. It's amazing what happens when you just keep your eyes open.

All about the moment. And not seeking outside of myself. And trusting. And being grateful for what the people in your life bring you. And, most importantly, always always always always giving it your all. Especially when you're holding someone's heart in your hands. Don't phone it in. Make it count.

And heck, like it's been all bad? Naw. Not a bit.

SM saved my life. Again.

First off, there were those scenes with the guy from LA. Finding out what submission was all about. Just opening up, and wanting so bad to give him whatever he wants to take, because you know that you will emerge intact, only better than before, because you've seen the beauty within yourself. Oh man. I look forward to getting back to that place. That sweet sweet place.

And then, there was the kayak. What a great move that was. Water, sunshine, and the strain of my muscles propelling me along over the water of Lake Galena. So simple. So perfect.

And, of course, there was Inferno Session A. Jiminy crickets. It was pure. I hit it right.

I read recently that Harold Pinter said something like "words are what we use to distract people from where we hurt." (Okay, that's not what Harold Pinter said, but that's what I thought when I read whatever it was he said, which was something along those lines.) And the big thing I did at Inferno was not distract myself, or others. I just let it out and let it in. Getting whipped by Roadkill was extraordinary, catching me totally by surprise. But that's the way most things in life that are truly important go down.

And now here I am. There will be change. Change will come. Maybe it's happening already.

This guy. This guy I met. A man who makes me wonder what's possible. Just where it could all go. And my sense is, it could go anywhere. Anywhere at all.

But we'll see.

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