Hollywood Ending

[Scene: Office of a Big Shot Hollywood Producer. (But not that one.)]

Big Shot Hollywood Producer: Ms. Proulx! C'mon in! Proulx... is that french? Could be a problem. What do you go by? Ann? Okay if I call you Ann?

Ann Proulx: I prefer Annie. It's nice to meet you.

BSHP: Annie! That works! Annie it is! Glad you could stop by to talk about our little project. Good stuff. Bonanza meets In And Out. Love that. Hey... Wonder if Selleck is available. Nah... Probably wouldn't want to do another gay role. Anyway Annie, I guess you know the ending is a problem.

Annie Proulx: The ending? A problem? What do you mean? My entire story builds towards the ending. It's a story about the choices we make, and...

BSHP: Well yeah, but I'm sorry to tell you that the ending doesn't work. People will be tuning out as soon as they have that last scene up at Bearback Lake or whatever it's called.

Annie Proulx: Well, I have to disagree. The story, as conceived...

BSHP: Now... Whatever... Let me tell you how a story works...

Annie Proulx: Well, I have to point out that my fiction has been fairly well received, and this story.

BSHP: Fiction. Right. Ma'am, I hate to tell you, but outside of murder mysteries and romance novels, there are five thousand people in the country who read "fiction," and they all live in Manhattan below 96th Street. Except for a couple hundred who live in Brooklyn. Fiction doesn't make box office, and neither does that fizzle of an ending of yours.

Annie Proulx: Well what are you suggesting...

BSHP: I'm glad you asked. Let me introduce you to the guy that is going to save your story, Annie. This is Harley Kincaid. He's a genius. Absolute genius. Our secret weapon around here. Just graduated from USC Film School...

Harley: Actually I have a semester to go yet...

BSHP: Right! Anyway, since we've got Harley here working on the project, it's in the bag. We'll make a mint.

Harley: Well... Cool!

Annie: ***!***

BSHP: So what have you got for us, Harley?

Harley: Ummm... Okay. I came up with three treatments that I think would work.

BSHP: You hear that? Three! Not just one... Three!

Harley: Yo! What can I say? So anyway, here's the first one...

[Harley shuffles papers and reads.]

Okay. So, we're good up until the scene where Jack and Ennis are at Brokeback Mountain for what they think will be the last time. Okay. Right. So Jack and Ennis have a fight, and they decide to go talk it over so they go to a roadhouse and get some beers. While they're talking,

BSHP: A saloon! Of course! How could we have been so stupid! You can't have a Western without a saloon! Go on, Harley!

Harley: So anyway, at some point, Jack hugs Ennis, or maybe Ennis hugs Jack, and some of the good ol' boys at the bar notice. And they go over and say something like, "We don't want no queers here in this town." And Ennis just snaps, right? He gets up, and he says, "Bring it on!" And so this big fight breaks out! And Jack and Ennis are kicking serious butt! And... y'know... we can have like fiddle music going and all. But then, the good ol' boys get the upper hand, right? And all of a sudden things are looking bad. But then, get this! In comes Ennis' daughter, Alma! Right? And she's like "Hey! Stop this!" And like, smashes a beer bottle to get everybody's attention. And then she's like, pointing to all the guys in the bar, and she's saying like, "Enoch Purvis! When your fence broke last winter and all your cattle were loose, who helped you round them all up?" And the guy is like, "Uh... Ennis." And Gabriel Lackland, when your wife took sick and your truck broke down, who drove her forty miles to the hospital?" And again, the guy is like, "Uh... Ennis." And it goes on and on. And she hits everybody in the bar. And so then they're all like, "Whoa! She's right!" And it ends with a shot of Ennis and Jack on rocking chairs on their front porch, and guys are going by in pickup trucks and they're all like Hey Ennis! Hey Jack! You boys comin' to the church ice cream social this Saturday? And they're like, "Yeah! We'll see you there!"

Annie: That is ridiculous.

BSHP: I kind of like it. Hey! Here's an idea! We could have Johnny Knoxville and the other guy from the Dukes of Hazzard remake in the fight scene with'em! The DVD will be out then and it'll be a great tie in! We could have a shot where the four of'em look at each other and give each other looks like "Yeah! Let's get'em!"... No? Well, like I said, I'm not the genius, that would be Harley. What's your second idea Harley?

Harley: Okay. So after the last-fishing-trip-scene, Ennis drives all the way down to Texas, right? And he busts in on Jack when he's there with his wife at the tractor store or whatever it is, and he's like, Jack, I can't live without you. And I can't live with you in Wyoming. And I can't live with you here. So we're going some place where we can be together. And then there's a shot of them driving away in a truck. And then, get this! it's the present, right, and Ennis, like fifty years old, is telling the story to a young guy! It was all like a flashback, right? And Jack and Ennis own a bar in the Castro called "Brokeback Mountain," like a cowboy gay bar! And after he's done telling the story, Jack comes up to him, and he's like, "Can I have this dance?" And he puts their favorite song on the juke box, and that's how it ends with the two of them dancing.

BSHP: Love that! I love that! Oh that's perfect! Oh that's so great! Isn't that great Annie?

Annie: I can't believe...

BSHP: I know! Don't get me wrong, great characters in your script, Annie, but Harley here has turned this into a killer movie! And you got one more for us, Harley?

Harley: Oh yeah! I saved the best for last! Okay. So again, we take off from the last-fishing-trip-scene, right. And they're standing there, and all of a sudden this helicopter comes over the hill, flying really low, buzzing them, right? And they're like, Yo! Holy shit! And the helicopter lands real close to them, and they're like looking at it from behind a rock or something, and these guys get out of the helicopter, and they've got this missile! And Jack is like, "Ennis! What is that?" And Ennis goes, "That is a thermonuclear warhead, Jack." And Jack's like, "Who are those guys? What are they doing with that?" And Ennis says, he says: "Those are Arab terrorists. Iranians. This is bad, Jack." And Jack is like, "We've gotta go get the sherif!" And Ennis is like, "No way, Jack! We'd never get back here in time! We've gotta take care of this ourselves!" And they do! Jack and Ennis totally fight the terrorists! And there are like eight of them, and they get them all one by one, right? And like, the supreme bad guy terrorist, he's last right? And he almost kills Jack, but Ennis gets him just in time. And then, they're like at this ceremony in the White House, and President Jimmy Carter is like giving them a medal, and saying what great Americans they are, right? And it's like on television and all. And then Ennis is like, "Mr. President, we didn't do anything that any patriotic American wouldn't do in the same circumstances..." Stuff like that. But then, get this! Then Ennis turns to the camera, and he's like "Ummm... Aw shucks! Listen America! I love this man! And he loves me! And we should not have to hang our head in shame about that!" And Jimmy Carter is like, "Well ain't that sumfin'!" And Jimmy Carter goes, "I declare Gay marriage is okay!" And he marries them right there! And they're like the first gays to get married, and they're national heroes!

Annie and BSHP (Together, but with diifferent inflections): Oh. My. God.

BSHP: That's perfect! That's it! It's got it all! This will be box office gold! That works!

Annie: I can't... There's no way...

BSHP: Not to worry, Annie. All you've got to do is sit back and wait for the checks to come in.

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