Mamas, Don't Let Your Boys Grow Up To Be...

At first, I was cold to Brokeback Mountain. Elvis Costello (whom I don't like much) had a song "Happy Lovin' Couples" that summed up my sentiments. Like I really wanna see a movie about two guys who meet and fall in love. I saw myself coming out of the movie muttering "Why not me?"

But I'm in. Totally in. Looks amazing, Ang Lee could probably claim the honor of my favorite director currently making movies, and the things I've read about it in reviews make it very compelling.

But I've got a beef. It's being referred to as "the gay cowboy movie," and everybody's going on and on about gay cowboys, including Concerned Women For America, who decry the assault on these paragons of American virtue.

But... No. From what I understand, they're not, in fact, cowboys. There are no cows in the movie. They're shepherds. They meet when they're looking after sheep.

A picayune point?

Maybe for most, but not for me.

A little story.

Back when I was in high school, the Administration decided that no one should graduate without declaring a Career Goal. Now, that sent me into a tailspin. It was absurd! I'm seventeen years old and I have to know with certainty what I want to do for the rest of my life? Uh uh.

I became a problem for my guidance counselor, long-suffering guy that he was. Everyone else assigned to him had complied. There was one blank box among all the boxes with check marks, and that was mine. He dragged me down to his office and said, "C'mon. Just pick something. Anything. Don't take this too seriously! If you could be anything at all, what would you be?"

"Okay. Anything, right? If I could be absolutely anything, I'd be a shepherd."

Well, that pretty much floored him.

I explained, "I think it would be great to be a shepherd! In the Spring, I'd pack up some books, and take my sheep up into the mountains, with my faithhful dog for company. I'd spend the summer reading, and looking after my sheep. Then, in the Fall, I'd gather up my flock, and head back down to town, spending the cold months among people. it would be the perfect life."

I remember his face being all circles: wide open eyes, gaping mouth.

He suggested another approach. There was a career aptitude test he wanted me to take. And so I did. I sat down, answering all the questions. Do you like to work indoors or outdoors? Do you like helping people? Do you enjoy learning new things? Do you want to work for animals? Do you like taking on individual responsibility?

He sent away the test for tabulation. It came back. My answers pointed to one clear career option: shepherd.

He found me a school where I could major in shepherding. It was in Montana. I think there are several in New Zealand.

So get it right. It's not the Gay Cowboy movie, it's the Gay Shepherd movie.

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