Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Worst Thing I Can Imagine

I just spent the past weekend with the Baron. He arrived on Friday, and I just dropped him off at the train station in Doylestown.

Just so we're clear, spending time with the Baron is spending time WITH the Baron. As in, "Please hold that thought for the next fifteen--okay twelve--minutes while I go take a shower. In the special relationship we have, where I'm essentially the Baron's psychotherapist as well as someone who has known him and shared many rich and wonderful experiences over the goin' on twenty years we've known each other, it's intense.

The weekend was great, but I am exhausted.

Anyway, last night, we were talking. (Wait a minutes. That describes every moment that the Baron and I are together when one of us isn't asleep.) Last night, after dinner, I had a realization about myself while talking to the Baron. I mentioned to him how my pursuit of becoming a certified Construction Manager will be the first time in my life that I set a goal for myself and achieved that goal. Not that it's looking good that I'll meet that goal. Still gotta send the request to my college to get my transcripts. Still gotta fill out my financial aid form online. Still gotta get in touch with the other schools in the area that offer the certificate.

So of course, the Baron wasn't gonna let that get by, and he came back with, "What are you talking about? You're a pretty accomplished person."

But to my mind, my accomplishments are the result of a door opening, me walking through the door, and making the best of what I find on the other side. And that's a different thing than walking through the door of a house you just built. So to speak.

"So why is that?" asked the Baron.

Because I'm afraid of failure, I answered.

And gosh, am I ever.

What if I build the house and the house falls down?

So what if the school work to get the degree is too hard? What if I get the certificate and I can't get a job? What if there are no jobs available? What if it turns out I don't have the aptitude for it? What if I don't get hired because I'm a homo? Who the hell am I to tell people how to build anything?

Stinkin' thinkin'. I know.

But it hits home enough to get me to stop from moving forward. Taking all the steps I need to take.

So last night, talking to the Baron, realizing what was going on with me not filling out that FAFSA form, I remembered something.

When I worked at Wuperior Soodcraft, we had all these weird-ass corporate retreat things. Reading "Who Moved My Cheese?" and similar tomes favored by people for whom "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People" comes as a huge revelation.

But from somewhere in all that blather, I remembered something. One of these claw-your-way-to-the-middle-coaches posed the question, "What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?"


Why, I'd go get a Construction Management certificate.

So maybe I'll do that.


beaver4 said...

See if you can get a copy of "FEAR OF SUCCESS" by psychiatrist Leon Tec MD. This is often the problem that causes failier.

MsSnS said...

When I was contemplating whether I should change careers and start college, I recall thinking...yeah...but I'll be 29 when I finish...and then I thought...I'll still be 29 either way. Might as well be 29 with a degree. And, after all, school is all about jumping through hoops anyway. You don't necessarily have to be smart (which you are), just determined. I completed the undergrad and got a graduate degree to boot. I'm finishing my 3rd year teaching. So, I'm sure you can do it.