Perhaps today will be the day that my Academy Video shows up in the mail. I'm eager with anticipation. Part of the allure of The Academy, is that if you so desire (and can cough up the money), you to can go down to Alpharetta, Georgia and stay at 'their facility,' and be subjected to abduction, incarceration, beating, verbal abuse, and all the rest of it. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of opportunity to abduct, incarcerate, beat, and abuse yourself, as that is taken care of by Academy guys, who, we are assured by the website, are all Real Cops and Real Military.

Real Unfair, say I. What about Real Chiefs-of-Staff? No go? Definitely out of the question? My job resembles the action in an Academy video as much as the lives of the Real Cops (out on patrol, attending community council meetings, writing summonses, making court appearances) and Real Military guys (making food, hospital orderly duty, filling out supplies requisitions, filing duty reports, getting drunk on jello shots at parties in the barracks) that I know.

I think it ought to be Real Cops, Real Military, and Real Chiefs-of-Staff. "Chief-of-Staff is a suitabley authoritarian job title, no? I think I'd be a welcome addition to the Academy line-up...

Chief-of-Staff: You're late.
Lobbyist for Traffic Calming Advocacy Organization: "Hey, sorry about that, finding parking was a nightmare. I..."
Chief-of-Staff: I didn't ask a question. I made a declarative statement. If I'm not asking you a question, boy, I don't want to hear a syllable out of your ass-licking mouth. Is that understood?"
Lobbyist: Uh... I guess I...
Chief-of-Staff: I SAID 'IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?' DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
Lobbyist: Yes... Yes, Sir.
Chief-of-Staff: That's better. Give me the briefing memo I asked you to prepare.
Lobbyist: Well, rather than a briefing memo, I thought a PowerPoint presentation might be more effective, and so I...
Chief-of-Staff: Am I hearing you correctly? Yesterday I told you to be in my office at eleven hundred, and to bring with you a briefing memo with bullet points. Did I or did I not say that?
Lobbyist: You did but I thought...
Chief-of-Staff: AT WHAT POINT DID I TELL YOU TO THINK??!!! Listen up, you sniveling sack of pigshit. I need a briefing memo that I can xerox and distribute to the leadership. If you thought for one moment that I'd be hauling your pathetic carcass through the legislative office building so you can trot out your lame-assed PowerPoint presentation, you are seriously deranged.
Lobbyist: I'm sorry, Sir.
Chief-of-Staff: Not yet you're not, but when I get done with you you will be. Some lobbyist. You're no lobbyist, are you, you're a disgrace. You don't have the brains that the Good Lord gave a marigold. Do ya? Let me hear you say it. Let me hear you say you're a disgrace of a lobbyist and you don't have the brains that the Good Lord gave a marigold. LET ME HEAR THAT, YOU TOILET-DRINKING LUMMOX!!!
Lobbyist: I... I... I'm a disgrace of a lobbyist...
Chief-of-Staff: And what else?
Lobbyist: And I don't have the brains that the Good Lord gave a marigold. Hey! What the hell...
Chief-of-Staff: Those are handcuffs, pig. Hope they're not too tight because you'll be wearing them a while. See that office supplies storage cabinet over there? After I gag that pussy mouth of yours that's where you're gonna take some time--a lot of time--to think about how you screwed this up.
Lobbyist: But I... MMFFRRMMmmm...
Chief-of-Staff: Get your ass into that office supplies storage cabinet. NOW!

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