Decisions, Decisions

Not like you’d have any reason to know this, but of late, I’ve become totally obsessed with Porn Sensation Buck Angel!!! After careful consideration, it seems to me that Mr. Angel should just “get with the program,” as the kids say, and spend the rest of his life devoting himself to making me happy and catering to my every passing whim.

Now then, astute observers may point out that this fairly accurately describes my feelings towards Vin “Chained At My Feet, Soaked In My Piss” Diesel.

And you are correct!

Therefore, after careful consideration, it seems to me that Mr. Angel and Mr. Diesel should meet and have it out in something along the lines of a UFC match to settle the question once and for all.

Now it might seem risky leaving so much to chance as I would be doing in such a scenario. However, you may rest assured that I would, in fact, be perfectly content with either outcome. I would by no means spend any time wondering, “But what if the match had gone the other way? Would the loser possibly give a better backrub-on-demand than what I enjoy at present?”

Not so! For both Mr. Diesel, ”Vin,” if I may, and Mr. Angel, “Buck,” if I may further, are excellent in the same way: they both are “raw material” of sorts, that I can mold and shape according to my whims and desires. Were I a sculptor, the choice would be between two beautiful and unblemished blocks of the best granite.

And thus, whoever emerges, bloodied, beaten, but victorious from the ferocious battle, I will joyfully padlock the collar signifying my complete ownership around his neck, and with no remorse whatsoever consign the loser to spend the balance of his time on this mortal coil to imprisonment in a seedy Turkish male brothel.

There.

The question is settled.