Blue

Not real, as far as I can tell, but I just have the feeling today of everything falling apart.

Best example is that I wanted to get into the city today in order to get to the bank, which closes at 3 pm. I wasn't able to do that. Instead, I paid bills, and that is always a very depressing endeavor.

Also, today was the day that my payroll check should have been direct deposited. So far, it isn't showing up in my account. I'm refusing to believe that Boss Sunshine would have renegged on his agreement with me. That could not be. That would be an absolute disaster.

Uh. Hoping that the trip to Chicago will help me get my head together. I was planning on leaving first thing tomorrow morning, but I think I'll need to take a trip into the city--to get to a bank--before I leave.

And why do I need to go to the bank? To cash in my quarters. Y'see, I have this weird habit of collecting quarters. At the end of every day, I fish in my pockets and find the quarters, and put them in my quarter box. I have several hundred dollars in quarters, and that's how I'm planning on financing my trip to Chicago, and a bit later in June, down to Fort Lauderdale.

My quarters have functioned symbolically as a security blanket. "At least I have my quarters." When Does Mean Well was visiting, he asked about my quarters, and I said, "That way I'll never starve. I have my quarters."

Now, I'm facing life without quarters.

I could use some hand holding. Someone to put their arm around my shoulders and tell me that it will all work out.

I have this underlying sense of failure. Of not measuring up. Not making the grade.

It's sort of been gnawing at me that I wasn't able to let Roman Cool take me as far as he wanted to when he whipped me last night. When he asked, "Do you want to stop now?" it was agonizing. I didn't feel up to taking more, but I didn't want to disappoint him.

He didn't seem to be disappointed. At all. He praised me. He knows it's only the second time I've been whipped.

I'm scanning dark skies, looking for a guiding star that I can follow to reach some safe harbor.

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