Benighted News

Again.

It's winter. In winter here in the mid-Atlantic states, that means it's cold, and there are various forms of frozen precipitation falling from the sky. So why is it that every blessed time it snows, there's so much hype on the news that you would think that we were living in Ecuador and this was happening for the first time. Or the onset of another Ice Age.

And all this hype gets my father upset. I had to fight my way out of the house and off to work this morning because we had three inches of powder on the ground. The snow plows had been out since eleven p.m. the night before, before the first flake hit the ground.

But you wouldn't know that from the nightly news. Just unbelievable hype there...

Good evening! I'm Clint Cullen, and this is Bonita Pagette, and this is the News at Eleven! Our big story tonight... Well, we'll go right to our reporter Avery Simmons who's on the scene. Avery...

Hello, Clint. I'm on the corner of Broad and Chestnut Streets, in the heart of the city, and... if our cameras could point at the what we're talking about, as you can see, the sky is dark! That's right! It's dark out here! There is no light at all coming from the sky. There is no sun. There is no moon. There are not even any stars in evidence. It is really dark out here.

Avery, this is Clint back in the newsroom, so what your saying is it's not just dark out there, but it's... dark dark.

Clint, that's excactly what I'm here to report.

Thanks, Avery. Our weatherman, Dave Diamond, is here. Dave, perhaps you can shed some 'light' on this situation?

Clint, this is serious. Commuters making their way home first noticed that slowly but surely, there was less and less light available. And the situation only got worse. And if we can blow up the map here... this problem is affecting not just us in the Tri-State area, and not just up and down the eastern seabord, but our entire time zone!

Dave, I can't believe what I'm hearing! This situation is that far-reaching?

I'm afraid so, Clint. It's dark out there. It's very dark. And folks from Halifax, Nova Scotia to Montevideo, Uraguay are in the same boat as we are.

And how dark is it? Well, the Kugle Darkness Index indicates that it's actually coming in at a Negative Six!

Wow! Negative Six!

That's right, Clint. A Negative Six.

Thanks for that news, Dave. Disturbing as it is.

Bonita, you've been talking to some folks to find out about the impact that these conditions will have on our viewing audience.

Right Clint. Here I have Deputy Police Commissioner Michael Choi. Commissioner Choi, you indicated to me earlier that when there's less light, you tend to see a spike in criminal activity, is that right, Deputy Commissioner?

Uh... that's correct, Bonita.

And do you have any idea why that would be, Deputy Commissioner Choi?

Well... I mean, there are less people out on the street when it's dark, and so that gives criminals a better opportunity find a potential victim alone. And... y'know... since there's not a lot of light, that means that... um... wrongdoers can commit crimes... under the cover of darkness and up their chances of being seen.

"Under the cover of darkness." Yikes! Thank you Deputy Commissioner Michael Choi.

And now we have Assistant City Manager Laurel Cameron. Ms. Cameron, what has the city been doing to prepare for this emergency?

Excuse me? Emergency...

Well look outside, Ms. Cameron, it's dark out there!

Dark. Right.

Ms. Cameron, has the Street Administration done anything at all to protect citizens from this terrible situation? Are you telling me that this has been totally ignored?

No. No, Bonita, that's not what I'm saying. I mean, there are over one hundred thousand streetlights in the city. And, there are more police officers on the street at night than during the day... and... well... we are doing everything we can. And there's no reason to panic.

But if people can avoid it, they shouldn't be going out, wouldn't you agree, Ms. Cameron?

Well... I don't know that...

For instance, many seniors have vision problems that are only made worse by the darkness conditions that we're seeing. Don't you think that they had better wait until the situation resolves before venturing out if at all possible?

Well, I guess...

So there you have it, Clint. If you don't have to go anywhere, the Street Administration is urging that you stay in your home.

Thanks for that fine investigative journalism, Bonita.

Avery, how are people reacting to this out on the street?

Clint, I'm here with Paul Sciavone of South Philadelphia. Paul, how ae you deeling with these dark conditions?

Uh... well, I got caught at work tonight, and...

So what you're saying, Paul, is coming home in almost total darkness is not something you're used to?

Well, I mean...

So you heard it, Clint. No panic yet, but I think that only speaks to the courage of the people of Philadelphia.

Thanks, Avery. Let us know right away if that changes.

Dave, I realize you don't have a crystal ball, but any idea what we can expect for the morning commute?

Clint, we can only hope that things will be better before then.

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