When you have a visible injury, and my recent gimpiness is very evident, you field the questions "What did you do to yourself?" about two dozen times a day. It's a great conversation starter.
The standard formula I've come up with for a reply is "A firstbaseman got in my way." I do my best to deliver this with a sort of devilish 'yeah-you-know-me' kinda way, implying that I'm no stranger to sports related injuries. (This would be my first ever.) It's all about For The Love Of The Game. You get the idea.
But after about the fourteenth time, it gets a little dull. I'm a creative kinda guy! Maybe I could come up with something a little bit more provacative. How about...
"Y'know how heavy those hand-held grenade launchers are? Imagine dropping one of them on your foot!"
"Well, if you want to know the details, you'll just have to look in the next edition of Ripley's Believe It Or Not under 'hopping on one foot.'"
"This little girl was crying because her kitten had climbed up a tree, but when I was chopping the tree down..."
"Y'know that flesh eating bacteria thing? Well, it looks like this will be my last summer wearing shorts!"
"When you've got a bottle of Old Grandad under your belt, someone saying 'I bet we could use this tablecloth as a parachute' sounds promising."
"They busted my meth lab. Again. Say... how would you feel about doing a stint as a character witness?"
"I decided to investigate that weird crop circle phenomenon out by Sellarsville. I wanted to see for myself. I saw these lights... moving too fast to be a plane... well, it gets pretty incredible after that."
"Maybe you didn't know that if she's cornered, and if she feels her young are threatened, a duck can mount a pretty vicious attack."
"Would you believe it actually is physically impossible for Fred Flintstone to have stopped his car with his feet?"
"This woman in the Wal-Mart parking lot let her cart roll right into my jeep, and I guess I must have slipped on some of her blood..."
"Let's get clear on one thing. I know nothing about any covert CIA operations in New Foundland. Understand? I said, 'Do you understand??!!!'"
"Talk about nursing a grudge! All I said was, 'Hey Tanya, you had no chance of beating Nancy Kerrigan anyway.'"
"Contrary to what you see on Queer Eye, some straight men really don't like it when you make fun of their clothes in front of their girlfriends."
"I had just started ransacking the bedrooms on the second floor when all of a sudden the family came home!"
"If you plan on climbing Everest any time soon, I can definitely tell you which sherpa not to use."
"If Vin Diesel was tired of me pestering him for a date he should have just said so. The bear trap was way outta line!"
"...and I was like, 'No way! What an incredible coincidence! Would that be Joseph L. Kiestermeister, born August 11, 1958, Social Security number 060-98-2112? Of all my identity theft victims, you were totally my favorite!'"
And so on.
Time for dinner.
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