Beat III

Forgive this half-formed thought.

As PunchPig points out, yesterday we went Deep. Way Deep.

Usually, when I bottom, I can put myself without too much trouble into the role of the Top, evaluating, second guessing, making a mental note to 'use that' some technique or other. And in a sense, I'm not bottoming: I'm still a Top, orchestrating a scene from the inside out through signals I send to whoever is working me over.

Not so yesterday. Not so at all.

Definitely yesterday was a learning experience as far as developing my own skills. But in part, what I learned was that I'm not ready to take that scene on.

Among the lessons I learned--and something I knew, but which certainly was driven home--was that a Top must do a lot of work in his own head. Because any unresolved issues are going to come spilling out into the scene. That daemon you haven't been paying attention to is soon going to be piloting this mission.

What if I was doing a whipping scene, and the man I was whipping became what I became yesterday? It's not what I go for in a scene. I want a joyful bottom. I want a warrior, proving himself. The tough punk that I was at the outset of the scene is the bottom I want. A part of me was a little appauled by how I behaved in the scene yesterday.

And yet, at the same time, I've talked before about an adrenaline scene, where I goad the restrained bottom into blinding rage. And yesterday, that was all about adrenaline. That's what adrenaline looks like. It's the neurochemical of the fight or flight response. And yesterday when fight wasn't working, I went right to flight, although flight meant burying my beaten face in the carpet. And I've long yearned to have a bottom on whom I could truly and completely open up and unleash, just go and go and go.

Now I doubt very much that yesterday PunchPig had the opportunity to just go and go and go. But he very much had the opportunity to do an adrenaline scene.

When (and if) I go there as a Top, it will be Big. It will mean a lot of work on my part. I've gotta be ready, and be able to shoulder the responsibility of what I'm getting into.

Anyway.

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