Friends and Lovers

Marlboro Sir wants domestic bliss. He would like to have a partner. Not that he's shopping for one. He has a good life, but would like to share it with someone. He expressed at one point his feeling that I was prime pickins.

Marlboro Sir and I talked about the partner issue at length. Here's my thinking. Gay men are awful at relationships. No argument, there are a lot of practical considerations that make relationships desireable: two incomes, two names on the mortgage, two people between whom the household responsibilities can be divided. But in my experience, it is almost universally true that after the mad fever of love has cooled, you've got two people who can just barely tolerate each other. We're lousy at relationships.

On the other hand, our heterosexual brothers and sisters seem much more adept in this regard. For the straight adult, the prime focus in life tends to be family. To be sure, this is only true about half the time, given the divorce rate. But straights seem to have a knack here.

Because heterosexuals are the ones piping the tune to which we all dance, what you've got are legions of gay men longing to be in relationships they are ill-suited for.

This could be written off as an ironic quirk if it weren't for the fact that in putting coupling-up on a pedestal, gay men denigrate something at which we are genious and gifted: friendship. Boyfriends come and go, but your friends are always there. This seems to be always and everywhere true.

Consider the fact that in your town, dear reader, there are half a dozen--or more--organizations that didnt' exist twenty years ago. These organizations were founded primarily by gay men to care for thier friends who were stricken with AIDS. It was this genius for friendship that built GMHC, ActionAIDS, APLA, Whitman-Walker, the Terrence Higgins Trust, and all the rest.

Friendship.

And if you think about it, isn't that a better way to go? With this friend you share a passion for gardening, this friend is an empathetic and thoughtful listener, this friend is always good to spend the night with when you strike out at the bar, this friend offers sound and reasonable financial advice... the possibilities are limitless.

What are the chances thay you could find that one amazing man who would be able to fulfil all of those? Or how about the basic three: emotional maturity, common interests and compatible habits, and physical attraction? Rare as hen's teeth, folks.

Marlboro Sir's desire is to have a partner. My ardent desire is to have a household. It's the house with the many bedrooms from the Five Year Plan. I want to surround myself with friends.

On America Online, there's an interesting phenomenon that seems to be gaining currency: the "leather household." "Seeking multiple slaves and assistant Master to form a leather household." Perhaps I'm riding the crest of a wave here. Althought, what I have in mind is much more fluctuating and permeable. I eman, if you want a fixed role in the household, that's cool. Or, just come and stay and grace us with your presence at the dinner table. We eat at Eight.

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