Semper Fraud

Okay.

So I'm a little obsessed with this whole Matt Sanchez brouhaha. It's emerged from the pop cultural blur that I usually let blow right by me. All you need to know about Mr. Sanchez (I don't know what his rank is) can be found at the venerable Joe. My. God..

Here's the delio. A U.S. Marine, enrolled at Columbia University, makes the rounds of the various right wing chat shows on Fox complaining about the disrespect he faces there in the sacred grove of acadème, which he decries is anti-military. After he has his picture taken with Ann Coulter shortly after she called John Edwards a faggot (as in, really shortly; as in, he was in the room when she hurled that schoolyard epithet), it's revealed that Sanchez and his eleven inch penis have a fairly substantial career in porn behind them. (I'm not making this up. I swear.)

When confronted with this seeming conundrum, Sanchez came clean, but in an e-pistolary interview with Joe, took the tack of "Oh, I've done my best to put my youthful indiscretions of being a flaming homo porn star behind me."

Now, on it's face, this is not entirely implausible. Many young men need an experience to get their heads screwed on straight, and service in the military, and particularly the Marine Corps, often fits the bill. But it seems that Sanchez is still pursuing hot homo love hook-ups on Manhunt. So maybe it didn't quite take.

Here's what sticks in my craw. Sanchez is brimming over with blather about how his conservative principles make him anathema to homos. That's bullcrap, Marine!

I am a conservative homo. My conservative perspective springs from my observation that human nature is infinitely complex, and simple-minded solutions to such intractable ills as crime, poverty, illiteracy and the like often do far more harm than good, especially when they come from the Government. "The government which governs the least governs the best." And, this perspective is derived from my sexual orientation, too: would someone please get my elected representatives out of my bedroom? And I have nothing but respect for the military, and I hope the push to have this Congress overturn Don't Ask, Don't Tell bears fruits. If you're a gay kid growing up in rural Indiana who doesn't do very well academically, about your only hope of getting the hell out of there is to enlist. And, serving your country by putting your life on the line is an enobling and worthy way to do that. My hat is off to you, and I'm grateful for your service.

But the hard part about being a conservative is that you've got all of these clueless nutjobs who politicize their paranoia, narscisism (that word I can't spell again), agoraphobia, and--in the case of Matt Sanchez--self-hatred constantly climbing up on your bandwagon and wanting to be your standard bearer. The same thing goes down in liberal circles, too.

So that's what's irking me about Matt Sanchez. The key to unlocking the man is not that he's conservative, and not that he's queer, but that he's stupid. The man clearly doesn't have the brains that the Good Lord gave a petunia.

"Anti-military sentiment at Columbia"? Really? What did that look like? Scores of co-eds following Matt around campus screaming, "I hate you! You Marine, you!"? Most likely, when he would try to articulate his loopy political views, he'd be challenged on those, and getting challenged on the worth of his faculties for self-criticism and self-examination are probably not things that his career as a porn star with an eleven inch penis prepared him for. But for someone who at an earlier point in life realized that he could make money by bearing it all while the cameras rolled, Sanchez knew who to call. Although in this case, it wasn't Hot Desert Knights or whoever, it was associate producers at Fox.

Testifying to my assertion that Matt Sanchez is stupid is the fact that now that his career as a porn star has been inevitably uncovered, the folks who book guests at The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity and Combes have deleted his name and contact information permanently from their databases. Or, perhaps, kept his name but put in a notation to the effect of "No. Never. Whacko." And alas and alack, the career of the Next Dineesh D'Souza lies in ruins, all but stillborn in the cradle. (And Mr. D'Souza certainly proves my point that just because you can get into an Ivy League college, be it Columbia or Dartmouth, it doesn't mean that you're not stupid.) But clearly that move was short-sighted and ill-considered. And that's a nice way of saying "stupid."

So Matt, get some therapy. And do your best to come to the realization that you have an eleven inch penis, but not a particularly sharp intellect. And that's okay! That's fine! You may go on to lead a happy, fulfilling, and satisfying life regardless! But hopefully, years from now, the youthful indiscretion that makes you blush when your boyfriend teases you about it will not be your foray as a porn star but that time at Columbia when you ended up being an unwitting tool for a bunch of right wing nut jobs at Fox.