At the GMSMA Board Retreat this coming weekend, I'm going to propose publication of a new (!) GMSMA brochure. This brochure will be geared specifically towards men with
I think something like this will be valuable. Lord knows I coulda used it way back when.
This is a rough draft. No doubt it will be edited severely. (And edited by committee, a process akin to being nibbled to death by ducks. But I'll just let go of that. I can do that. I can be really strong in that way. I think.)
Anyway.
To wit...
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S/M: An Introduction
What S/M is not:
Mental Illness … Violence … Coercive … Underground and Clandestine
What is S/M?
A worldwide community of men and women of all sexual orientations … Safe, Sane, and Consensual erotic play … Understood by many to be a spiritual path … Satisfying, intimate and enjoyable … A process of self-exploration and testing your limits … Open and welcoming of newcomers … A lot of fun if you do it right!
SM Q&A
Is S/M dangerous?
If you know what you’re doing, S/M is not dangerous. But like mountain climbing, skiing, contact sports, living in New York City, and other activities where people test their limits, accidents can happen despite all the precautions taken. Also, there are bad people in the world, and the S/M community has its share. But, by getting information and asking questions, you can reduce even these risks.
What does S/M involve?
No matter what your fantasy, you can probably find at least one other person who wants to realize that fantasy with you. Some common S/M activities include the following:
Bondage Tying up or getting tied up can be hot. Avoid places that can cut off blood circulation or the ability to breathe, and always have a pair of blunt-tipped safety scissors handy.
Flogging and Spanking Webster’s Dictionary defines flagellation as ‘beating for punishment or erotic stimulation.’ Flogging and spanking have a lot of fans. Muscle-y areas like the upper back, ass, chest, and thighs are good areas to work.
Pup Training Want to explore the animal within? Spending time wearing a leash and collar can make for a very erotic scene.
Stimulation Imagine your bound body being pinched with clothespins, tickled with feathers, tormented with hot wax and ice cubes…. the possibilities are endless!
Piss Play For the most part, piss is free of toxins, and free of HIV. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but some enthusiasts can’t get—or give—enough of the stuff.
Shaving Nothing like erotic barbering! Crotches, assholes, armpits, chests, and heads are all fair game, but check with the person getting shaved to make sure it’s okay with him.
Master/slave Relationships Slavery is illegal, but roleplay is fine, and can satisfy some deep desires. A Master/slave scene can last a night, a weekend, a month, or much longer.
Do I need to wear leather?
Some people wear leather because they think leather is erotic. Some people wear leather to let others know of their interest in S/M so they can find partners. But, you don’t have to wear anything. Naked works, too!
Does it hurt?
It can. Under certain circumstances, the body releases chemicals called endorphins. Get the endorphins flowing and you’ll be experiencing feelings of pleasure and well-being. But, there are plenty of S/M activities that don’t involve pain. Don’t be afraid to state your limits or hesitate to stop the scene if you think it’s more than you can handle.
What if I don’t like it?
Many S/M players find safewords useful. A safeword can be anything, like ‘Red’ or the Top’s name or even ‘safeword.’ When the safeword is used, all the action stops and the scene ends. This means that the bottom can beg for mercy and have the scene continue, which can be hot. Negotiate safewords before the scene starts.
What about HIV and other sexually transmitted infections?
SM may or may not involve sex. But in general, don’t exchange semen and be careful if blood is involved. AIDS educators at community-based organizations such as GMHC can provide you with a lot of accurate and up-to-date information to allow you to make good decisions and play safely.
How do I find someone to do S/M with?
Groups, clubs, and organizations like GMSMA (www.gmsma.org) can be a great place to find partners. Other organizations include The Eulenspiegel Society, or ‘TES,’ a group open to men and women (www.tes.org), the Renegades (www.linkTK.com), and others. TES and GMSMA both have groups called The Next Generation for people aged 18 to 35 involved in S/M. Another group is Masters And slaves Together, or MasT (www.linkTK.com) which is specifically for men interested in a Master/slave lifestyle. A group or club can be helpful in that it allows you to get information about possible partners as they’re probably known to other members of the group. Going up to someone at a meeting and saying, “I’d like to try bondage. Do you know someone here who would be interested in playing with a person who is new to the scene?” is perfectly acceptable and an almost guaranteed way to meet someone.
Bars and clubs are another alternative. However, it’s best to make up for the fact that you probably won’t be able to get information about someone by asking a possible partner a lot of questions and being honest about your level of experience. Remember, talking beforehand doesn’t make a scene dull, it makes a scene hot! Before you leave with a stranger, introduce that person to a friend, or even the bartender if none of your friends are around.
There are several events where people into S/M congregate. These include International Mr. Leather, held in Chicago over Memorial Day Weekend; Mid-Atlantic Leather, held in Washington DC over Martin Luther King Day weekend in January; GMSMA’s LeatherFest, held the weekend before Thanksgiving at the LGBT Center on 13th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues; and Folsom Street East, also a GMSMA event, held every year on the weekend before Gay Pride. There are also what are known as ‘runs.’ A run is an event held specifically for play. Examples include Inferno, Delta, the Renegades Run, Thunder in the Mountains, and Black Rose. For some runs, you need to be sponsored or invited to attend.
And of course, there’s the Internet. But be warned, things on the web aren’t always what they seem, and people you meet there may not be honest. (There aren’t that many nine inch cocks in the world.) Ask a lot of questions, meet for the first time in a public place, and trust your gut: if it feels wrong, just get out.
Top? Bottom? Switch? What’s that about?
Some people are exclusively Tops: they will tie up but not get tied up, or flog but not get flogged. Some people are exclusively bottoms: they love to get tied up or flogged or whatever, but are bored if asked to take the lead. Some people are switches: they will bottom or top depending on their mood, the person, or the phase of the moon. Some people are only into mutual play, which runs along the lines of “I do you, then you do me, then I do you again, then you do me again…”
Even though you may not understand why someone plays the way they do, it is important to respect their predilections. Hearing “no” doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that no one would want to do S/M with you ever, it just means that you’re not what that person is looking for right now.
What should I do to make my first S/M scene work?
Communicate! Let your partner know what your level of experience is. And it’s okay if your level of experience is ‘none.’ Tell your partner what you’re interested in and discuss what would make the scene hot for both of you. Don’t hold back, and be completely honest. If you have strong limits—such as, no blood, no marks, no serious pain, you have to be home by 2 a.m. at the latest, etc.—let your partner know. No one will think anything bad about you because you have limits; everybody has limits. Also tell him about any medical conditions you have that could interfere with the scene. In S/M, there’s no such thing as Too Much Information! And, talk about the scene afterwards. What worked for you, and what didn’t work for you. Ask your partner if there’s anything that you could have done better. Be sensitive and kind, but be honest.
Establish a safeword for use during the scene. It shouldn’t be something complicated or you might forget it. When someone says the safeword, the scene stops then and there.
Don’t be afraid to ask about your partner before you play. Serious S/M players care about their reputations, and work hard to make sure that they are well regarded. They want you to ask around about them. If your partner says he is a serious bondage Top, and every bondage bottom you ask has never heard of him, be very suspicious. Don’t hesitate to ask your partner if he’s ever done a scene with anyone you might know. Doing this is not looked as being nosey or gossipy, it’s looked at as being serious about S/M, and that’s good.
When you’re first getting started, do your best to be open to new experiences with a partner you trust. Even if you’re not interested, give it a try. You may find you were right and it’s not for you, or you may find a wonderful new world to explore. Also, seek out wisdom and experience rather than your idea of what your S/M fantasy partner looks like. Any serious S/M player will opt for the expert with average looks over the muscle-bound god who doesn’t have a clue any day.
Where can I find out more about S/M?
GMSMA (Gay Male S/M Activists) is a great place to start. Founded in 1981, Education is central to the mission of GMSMA. We do workshops, demonstrations, and explore a new topic at our programs on the 2nd and 4th Wednesday of every month except July and August. GMSMA programs are held at the LGBT Center at 208 West 13th Street in Greenwich Village. You may want to get involved with our Novices Special Interest Group (SIG), that meets on Sunday afternoons from October through March. In the Novices SIG, you’ll have the opportunity to try numerous S/M activities as a Top and as a bottom, all in a safe and supportive environment. Detailed information about all we do is available at our Wednesday night meetings at the Center, and on our website found at www.gmsma.org. You can email GMSMA at info@gmsma.org.
Also, the S/M community is blessed with many wonderful writers. Both the Leatherman on Christopher Street and Purple Passion on West 19th Street have a good selection of books. Or on the web, check out what’s available from Greenery Press (www.linkTK.com), Daedalus Publsihing (www.linkTK.com) or at www.kinkybooks.com.
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I'm not even gonna say, "Be sure to tell me what you think," Dear Readers, because I know you will anyway.
And if you or your group would like to adapt all or part of this for your own purposes, that's fine. But please, attribution would be much appreciated.
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